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Signature moves The e-petition website was launched two years ago,

6th June 2013, Page 32
6th June 2013
Page 32
Page 33
Page 34
Page 32, 6th June 2013 — Signature moves The e-petition website was launched two years ago,
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Which of the following most accurately describes the problem?

with the promise of a debate in parliament if an issue attracted 100,000 or more votes. We picked out the 10 barmiest transport suggestions Words: Chris Tindall Insectophobes should be banned from driving The DVLA has strict rules for motorists diagnosed with a host of medical conditions that might affect their driving. Epilepsy, diabetes, glaucoma, heart conditions can all affect whether or not you are allowed to drive.

But, according to one petitioner on the government's website, its criteria is not strict enough and there is a glaring omission: "Make it illegal for anybody with an insect phobia to be licensed to drive a motor car. Metric road signs You know what's wrong with our country's transport network? It's our road signs, being imperial and everything.

"It has been nearly 50 years since the UK officially went metric with most things being metric by law, yet the road signs are still in miles and yards," states the petitioner. "Metric signs give more options on limits as well as being easier to work out distance and speed."

And to silence any conspiracy theorists who might think the petition was drafted by a secret cell of Europhiles, the petitioner adds: "It is not an EU plot, it just makes the UK look awkward and old-fashioned. It is time we don't sideline this issue and at least give it more publicity." Signatures to date: 26 Retain imperial road signs You know what's wrong with our country's transport network? It's the constant threat from people wanting to destroy our proud traditions and change our road signs to the metric system.

We are then given a chilling prediction of the dystopian future we would create if we opted for a metric system: "If we do so, we might as well drive on the right like the rest of Europe." Signatures to date: eight Ban cars from the roads Of course, one unexplored way to deal with congestion and pollution is to force us to all to behave as though we are living in the 19th Century: 'We propose to ban the use of private cars on UK roads.

"Legal modes of transit will include public transport, travel on foot, by horse, taxi or cycling. This will immediately solve the congestion problem on major roads, massively reduce the expense incurred in maintaining roads and highways and transform our cities into cleaner, healthier spaces and encourage citizens to become more active."

No mention of lorries, so the finer details of things like how many horses will be required to carry goods to supermarkets and RDCs will undoubtedly be firmed up later on.

Signatures to date: 17 Stop Lorries overtaking "The rules for LGV vehicles that can use the outside lane of a motorway can be confusing," begins this bewildered petitioner and, apparently believing that if he is baffled then so must everyone else be, he has the perfect solution: ban the practice!

"To simplify the law so that everyone can understand, make it an offence for any vehicle with more than two axles, or more than two wheels on an axle, to use the outside lane of a motorway."

Petitions calling for a ban on LGVs overtaking are repeated quite a few times on the government's website and, in one brain-fried case, there is even a petition for the ban to be limited to within one mile of the approach to any motorway junction, to avoid dangerous obstructions.

However, even if you add up all the signatures given to these petitions it's still fewer than the earnest call demanding that shops start selling misshapen fruit and veg. Signatures to date: 25 200mph motorway speed Limits While the government toils with the thorny issue of increasing the motorway speed limit to 80mph or not, at least one petitioner is demanding that they stop acting like lily-livered fainthearts and introduce a minimum 200mph limit: "We would cut congestion, decrease journey times and increase tax revenue from the extra fuel duty needed to maintain 200+ mph speeds," he points out. "With less (sic) vehicles on the road, the accident rate would fall, leaving medical services less stressed, and increase sales of hyper-cars from the small companies that make them, helping the job market too."

By comparison, the petitioner who wants to abolish motorway speed limits possesses a rational, analytical mind: "Businesses can travel faster and carry out more meetings in a day, time is not wasted stuck at 70, most business people take no notice if they are late or just want to get there.

"Other advantages include decongestion; if vehicles are travelling faster, then the chances of a queue are minimised."

Signatures to date: three Please put an end to this small motorcycle mockery Very difficult to put this petition into context, but you can probably have a very good guess at what mode of transport its creator likes to use and what happens when he does so: Signatures to date: five Under-road heating The severe weather conditions in December 2010 led the Office for National Statistics to estimate that the UK economy contracted by 0.5% as a result.

The country was blighted again by snow at the beginning of 2013 and the cost to the economy just of people unable to get into work was pegged at a whopping £500m a day.

While the rest of the northern hemisphere gawped at the UK's ability to effectively shut down when white stuff falls from the clouds, one petitioner's brain cogs were whirring into action: "If our major roads could be heated in some way, just like football pitches, then snow would melt and traffic would flow freely," he explains, scientifically. "Technology already exists for this to happen.

"This could form part of a major infrastructure investment and create jobs, as well as solving our shambolic response to winter weather. In addition, road accidents may be avoided and lives saved. I propose that trials are done to see if this will work."

Signatures to date: three Aid for LGVs purifying London's air It is a bone of contention for many hauliers delivering in London: they shelled out money to ensure their fleets comply with the low emission zone, yet millions of car drivers spewing out exhaust fumes and using the Capital every year escape punitive action.

"These vehicles now give out virtually no bad emissions. Therefore they are taking in the so called dirty air and purifying it. I propose that the cost of cleaning the filters is met by the government body that has insisted that we have the filters fitted. After all, it is their dirt we are collecting."

Signatures to date: nine Ban lorries from the roads You're late for work you're sitting in congestion, you're angry. How to vent your frustration? Create a petition demanding lorries are removed from the roads during peak times! It's not as if they're doing anything useful, is it?

Displaying a cavalier approach to scheduling and just-in-time logistics, this petitioner states: "I propose that we ban LGVs from the roads during the times of 07:00-09:00 and 16:00-18:00 to allow commuters to get to and back from their workplaces': It would be selfish to ignore this proposal; after all, he's only talking about a sixth of a day. Would the average haulier really miss those hours?

"Having 24 hours in a day, we still leave 20 hours for LGVs on the roads, but reduce traffic at peak times when commuters and parents of school children really need to use the roads;' he adds.

Another petitioner demands LGVs are banned from the roads on Sundays to "free up the major routes for domestic traffic and promote family time for drivers". Signatures to date: two


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