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Migraine for chastity
"MISS VIRGO, our environment teacher, has told us to write a holiday composition on 'The Menance of the Heavy Goods Vehicle'," said Maggie's niece Charlotte.
"You can get all the information you want from the new Drive," said Maggie. "It has an article which shows that, if lorries were not so heavy, half the accidents on the road would not happen."
"I am not sure it goes quite so far as that," I said, "but you have captured the flavour."
"Old Chastity already knows about the article in Drive," said Charlotte. "She says we can rely upon it because — I think I can still read my note — it is published by those two great philanthropic institutions, the AA and the Reader's Digest."
"She has a nice turn of phrase," I said. "If you follow her hint, you should have no difficulty."
"Except that Miss Virgo has told us we should do some research on our own", said Charlotte.
"No need to try very hard," said Maggie's brother Cromwell. "Some professor or other has done the job for you. He has noticed that for the past year or so most lorries have red and yellow striped boards at the rear. Any motorist following such a vehicle, he says, soon develops spots before the eyes, double vision, a squint and a thumping head."
"Let me finish it for you," said Maggie. "You were going to add that this is particularly noticeable just after closing time."
"Nothing could be further from my mind," said Cromwell. "And I am sure it must be many light years away from the mind of the estimable Miss Virgo. I was merely going to say that the professor, all by himself, has discovered a new ailment, fluorescent intoxication. The afflicted motorist loses all sense of direction, so that the lorries can certainly be held responsible for half of the road accidents."
"But Aunt Maggie just said that half of them were caused when the lorries were too heavy," said Charlotte.
"I am talking about the other 50 per cent," said Cromwell. "You now have your basic theme. All you have to do is to work in a few plausible statements and garnish with any statistics that happen to handy."
tsDr Goebbels could not have put better," I said. "But from what you say, these extra accidents must have taken pl: since the rear marker boards beca compulsory. The accident statistics h; shown no such increase."
"Naturally they would not," s; Cromwell. "Before the boards were fitt the motorist could not even see the lorry was following; so he ran into the back o and had his accident just the same."
"He should have been more careful," s. Maggie.
"Charlie would be wise to avoid tl possibility," said Cromwell. "It might el lead her to suggest that private cars shoi be banned and everybody forced to tra by rail. Unless her environment teacher I a sense of humour — as well as a bicy — this might not go down too well."
"She has a lovely two-seater sports ca said Charlotte, "Which makes a beauti noise like Brands Hatch. She says it essential so that she can visit the unspoil stretches of countryside which she can th tell us about at first hand."
"If she is fond of cars," said Maggie, can see why she admires the piece in Dri It has some pretty pictures of lorries, ji like the models the kids play with."
"You will find any number of use articles in the back numbers of newspap4 and magazines," I said. "They usua explore one particular aspect. Perhaps t writer has discovered that our green a isant land is being devastated by loding tankers; or he may prove that we all being poisoned by diesel smoke."
e survivors They are very wise to concentrate on point each," said Cromwell. "Otherwise y might come to the irrefutable tclusion that Great Britain was lpletely destroyed several years ago. s would be depressing news for some of vho are deluded into thinking that we are 3ng the survivors."
'Here is one suggestion", I said. "The icle which is only slightly overloaded can dly be considered a hazard, although gal. There are hundreds of other uirements, all with the intention of iroving road safety and reducing the nber of accidents. If they do not produce ; effect, what is the point of having them? e of the few accurate statements in the ive article is that 'it is impossible to prove Sr many lorry accidents are caused by irloading.' Would it not at least have in worth while making some attempt to
lout?" ' "I think I like Uncle Cromwell's idea 1," said Charlotte. "I can illustrate it with ne fluorescent paint and try to give old astity a migraine. It would serve her right making us work over the holidays while goes off to Copenhagen or somewhere a refresher course in pornography."
by Janus