By our Northern Correspondent
Page 22
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Eric Strongitharm Oswaldtwistle.
The owners of Spagthorpe Motor Company have clearly over-reacted to the possibility of flooding in the UK. Flooding first occurred to chairman and president for life Sir Jos Spagthorpe during a coffee shop meeting with a meteorologist while on a "business and pleasure" trip in Holland.
The sign "Caution Raised Ironworks" has just been designed, says Sir Jos. He explains: "I can clearly feel a dip in the ground under me feet. As me grandfather used t' say, first a dip, then a valley. If we don't do summat we'll be needin' a bleedin' ark wi' next bit o' drizzle!"
The Spagthorpe Flood Recovery Plan was rapidly born. "Put Works on stilts. The men can climb ladders, and if we run out give 'em ropes. If we run out of both, use the chuck 'ern up, chuck 'em down method!" But what about the trucks? "Ski-jumping. We'll drive 'em off the edge. It might push up maintenance bills for a bit though."
However, UK meteorologists, on hearing of the Spagthorpe plan, said that given the Ironwork's present position in the hilliest place in the hilly Pennines Sir jos' outlook was perhaps overly pessimistic. "The kind of pessimism one finds at the bottom of a bottle of Glenfiddich," one commented drily.
FLASH: Strikes have hit the Spagthorpe Ironworks. Union convener Arthur "Uncle Joe" Ballpeen of the Amalgamated Union of Fettlers, Nibbers and Idlers said that the action was in response to health and safety concerns raised over the company's proposal to "chuck' men who cannot manage ropes and ladders. "For healthy lads like, it wouldn't be a problem," he says, "but some o' the older blokes don't know as they'll bounce so well."