" THE BUSINESS SIMULATOR."
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By " Vectis."
AMONG THE tens of thousands of worthy exofficers-, possessed of admirable war records and exceptional qualifications, and now busily engaged in jostling one another _for 'any old job at :-.E2 a week, must be included Mr.—late Captain= Irving Wyndham 'Beerbohm Maeready. It is in the hope of bringing him into touch with suitable employment that I am now relating some of the more poignant facts contained in the story, which he himself told me and I was able to corroborate and supplement, to some slight extent, from my own personal experience. I met him—for the first time, as I then supposed— outside Olympia, somewhere near the tail of the early morning queue. He complained bitterly of the state of business in general and motor business in particif.ar. To me, .possessed of a layman's ignorance, this seemed curious.
" But, . surely," I suggested, "blisiness is brisk enough. You can ask any price you like for a car, and people still fall over themselvesto get. it."
" That's just the trouble," he replied. "There's no skill in selling nowadays. Any fool can do it."
"So you are a salesman?" 1 inquired, rather
fatuously. . " I was," he answered, "but no one wants me now, so I an, merely one of the unemployed. Now, before the war I used to earn my hundred a week in commission "Really? " I interpolated, I fear somewhat in red Measly. • a faci," he stated with sonic indignation. "In 1913, when. I was with the Alphabetical Motor Co., I=--"
" Ah : " I interrupted, "now I know you were only joking. I bought a car from that firm myself, and I certainly saw nothing of you or of any salesman -worthy of the name. I admit that their publicity must have been wonderfully handled. Everyone seemed to go to them-, but the men in their showroom were complete 'duds,' not worth a fiver, much less a hundred a week. Perhaps you travelled for them ?"
" No," he replied. " I was in the showroom every day and nearly all day. You came with Mr. Wilkinson, who bought half-a-dozen R.N.B.W: lorries, and, if I remember right, you had a-16-20 Makeshift coupe." " That's right," I replied ; "and it was the worst car I have handled, though it looked pretty enough. But "—I added—" I must apologize if I have been personal or rude. I really didn't recognize " "Not at all," he responded pleasantly, "Quite the reverse. Now tell me just what happened, and perhaps I can throw a little light on it." . And so I told him the story, and I repeat it here. I have always maintained that my wife was the chief culprit. She fell in love with the lines of the body and the finish and tint of the paintwork, and he dragged me to the showroom windows time after time to admire it. . •
I admit that I also was to blame, as an "accessory before the fact." I allowed myself to be -unduly influenced by a beautiful -polished chassis, though I knew that nothing like it would ever figure as part of a standard car. I was carried away, too, by various little mechanical stunts and "selling points," as attractive in theory as they afterwards proved ineffectual in practice.
What common sense remained to ine led me to make a few inquiries. I found that most of .my friends had never heard of the car.. 'Those who had heard of it knew no good of it ,• , But these negative recommendations were to my mind, more than balanced by one curious and significant fact. Never did I linger five minutes in the
vicinity of that showroom without seeing it visited by at least one celebrated person. Moreover, I knew that they meant real business. Looking through the plate-glass window I saw cheques signed and changing hands ; deals obviously completed to the satisfaction of all.
On at least two occasions members of the Royal Family took the principal parts in these episodes. On three or four others Cabinet Ministers figured. Before my own eyes Asquith,, Kitchener, G. B. Shaw, the Duke of Westminster, Billy Wells, Winston Churchill, Nelson Keys. and S. F. Edge all became owners of Makeshift cars. The evidence was overwhelming. What Was good enough for them was good enough for me. I fell.
Once inside the showroons my -ardour was slightly damped. • The salesman was curt in the extreme. The car on which my wife had set her heart was booked. No, I could not have one exactly like it—or even. nearly.like.it.I could have the standard coupe, with a different shaped body of a different colour. But, I should have to wait two months for delivery. If I was in a hurry there were plenty of other makes— probably, in his opinion, quite as good—to be had elsewhere. He didn't wish to force the car -upon ME, He had more orders' than he could do with. Alto-. gether, "take it or leave it."
In my annoyance I had neasly decided on the latter course, when in rushed Admiral Fisher, banged the door, slipped an the mat, hurled it into a corner and shouted in a typically nautical voice : "Damn it all! Who put that there ? Office boy? Sack the lot! Take my advice. Only damn fools don't take my advice." The salesman gazed at him languidly, but vouchsafed no reply. I continued my argument, only to he interrupted by the newcomer.
"Can't make up your mind, can't you?" He spluttered. "Always the same with these white-livered old women of civilians. Don't know what's good for thems Here, young man, attend to me. I want another half-dozen cars. We're all going in for them. Delivery in March. Cash on delivery. No damn nonsense.
And out he went without further ceremony.
There waa a pause while the salesman made a little note of the transaction. Then he turned to me.
"I must really ask you to decide," he said. "But now I am afraid that, if you buy, we Must keep you waiting a week or so longer."
I was still hesitating, when the door was pushed open and G. IC: Chesterton entered at a run. Fisher tells me--" he began. "I'll have it," I gasped, dragging my cheque-book from my pocket.
The deed was clone.
Macready had, listened patiently to my somewhat long recital. Now he spoke.
"And your friend. Mrs Wilkinson," he said. "His experience *as rather similar I think. He was considering The purchase of a small fleet of lorries. While he 'was discusaing the thing Mr. Gordon Selfridge looked in and casually ordered twenty. Ten minutes later Lard Leverhulme booked himself for forty-five. Mr. Wilkinson was convinced and placed his awn order."
",You're, right," I replied ; but the funny thing is that, from that day to this, neither of us have ever seen or heard of all these vehicles that we know were sold. One would have thought that, walking every day in the London streets, one would " "I will explain," said Macrea,dy.
"You will perhaps have noticed from my card," he began, ," that my family has some sort of connection with the stage. I myself am a born actor. Perhaps 1335
the greatest actor of all time. But, sad to say, I suffer from one fatal disability. I sin afflicted with stage fright. At rehearsal I am perfect, but before a crowded house I am helpless and tongue-tied. I have tried to overcome it, but in vain. Failure after failure has convinced me that it is chronic.
"But, from my earliest youth, I have studied all the artifices of the profession. I can throw myself instantly into any character. My make-ups are superb. instinctively I adopt the exact tones and gestures of the man I represent. I wear the clothes as he would wear them. I fall naturally into all his mannerisms and tricks of speech. "Realizing that, despite all this the boards were not for me, I sought some scope for my abilities in the greater stage of 'business life.
"I found an acquaintance in charge of the showroom oZ Alphabetical Motors. He was doing no business, and I was not surprised. i propounded my scheme to him. He was sceptical. I was determined. I hired a room opposite his premises and laid in the necessary equipment. We agreed to share profits if, which he doubted, there were any to share. The thing was a success from the start. Money poured in, and only the war stopped me from amassing a fortune.
"But now it is all over. Anybody can sell anything. True salesmanship is a drug in the market. My talents—" "But do you mean to say," I asked, still puzzled, "that you were—" "Yes," he answered. "I was Fisher ; I was Chesterton; I was the Cabinet and the Royal Family. 1 was Selfridge and Leverhulme, and three score other great personalities. I was the pioneer of a new pretession—the Business Simulator. But now—" The strong roan broke down and wept, and as he held his handkerchief to his eyes I observed that the doors had opened and hurried before him into the exhibition.
. Inside I fully expected to encounter him again, hut I have never set eyes on him from that day to this. I sometimes wonder whether, had I remained a few more minutes in his company, he would have so far wrought upon my feelings as to borrow the price of admission!