By our Northern Correspondent, Eric Strongitharm, Oswaldtwistle.
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Following recent reports that many of Britain's wagon drivers may have difficulty reading as well as counting, Spagthorpe Motor Company has introduced a brand new model designed to aid the nation's word-blind and numerically challenged wheelmen.
The Spagthorpe "Primer" features a number of unique aids including a speedometer with easy-to-understand symbols rather than numbers. Dead stop is signified by an artist's impression of the Spagthorpe assembly line; 15mph by a picture of Reg's milk cart (pulled by a fresh donkey); while above 45mph drivers see the images of famous local magistrates including Arthur 'Born Guilty" Noose and Mrs Aida "50 lashes!" Flogham.
For those drivers unable to decipher roadsigns, the Primer features a "headup" display that flashes up images on the windscreen of local delivery points including the Oswaldtwistle tannery works; the Excelsior Clog company; and the Councillor Heckaslike industrial park.
Last but not least a talking transmission reminds drivers which gear they are in using the recorded voice of Spagthorpe's very own driver trainer Derek "You couldn't drive a nail through a plank" Crownwheel. On engaging first, drivers are told "Get ye'r bloody foot off that clutch!", while selecting top gear generates: Who the hell d'yer think you are—bloody Fangio?" All other intermediate ratios come with the advice: "Take yer hands off that soddin' gearlever".
However, driver pressure groups have denounced the Primer as "demeaning and poking fun at us drivers as didn't have a proper education like".
FLASH: Police are interviewing a local driver following an incident in which a Spagthorpe
, Primer drove through the local Oswaldtwistle Wash 'n' Go. In a
\ statement to the local press, Police Superintendent Ronnie Cuffs declared: "It appears the driver became disorientated after hearing strange voices and seeing ghostly apparitions whilst behind t lie wheel. We await a full psychiatric report."