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me crazy...
What are the most infuriating things your drivers can do? CM lists the top 10 hair-pulling moments for operators up and down the country
Industry analysis and in-depth profiling are all well and good, but when it comes to brass tacks you can have the most innovative, financially solid strategy in the world, but you can't execute those plans without wheels turning — and that means having drivers. And with drivers inevitably come problems; problems that can be ridiculous, highly irritating and unnecessary. We spoke to some of the UK's traffic desks to find out what infuriates them the most. •
"Wasn't me, boss!"
We'll kick off with a universal favourite, and we'll call it Vide-eyed innocence syndrome'. Easily recognised, its major symptoms include a carefully arranged blank expression and an excessive amount of effort put into maintaining eye contact — because everyone knows a liar can't look you in the face — while holding or standing next to a piece of vehicle no longer fit for its intended purpose. Like, say, a mirror. Or a passenger side step. Or even a large section of front bumper, including the headlight.
We'll kick off with a universal favourite, and we'll call it Vide-eyed innocence syndrome'. Easily recognised, its major symptoms include a carefully arranged blank expression and an excessive amount of effort put into maintaining eye contact — because everyone knows a liar can't look you in the face — while holding or standing next to a piece of vehicle no longer fit for its intended purpose. Like, say, a mirror. Or a passenger side step. Or even a large section of front bumper, including the headlight.
We'll kick off with a universal favourite, and we'll call it Vide-eyed innocence syndrome'. Easily recognised, its major symptoms include a carefully arranged blank expression and an excessive amount of effort put into maintaining eye contact — because everyone knows a liar can't look you in the face — while holding or standing next to a piece of vehicle no longer fit for its intended purpose. Like, say, a mirror. Or a passenger side step. Or even a large section of front bumper, including the headlight. Rob Colliver of RMC Haulage puts these drivers at the top of his list: "Drivers denying damage when you know full well who's to blame! I once fully repaired, cleaned up and
re-sprayed a vehicle and it was damaged within a week. I keep everything to one person/one lorry, so no one else had driven it, but he still stood there and said it wasn't him! "That's happened twice, in fact, not to mention all the minor stuff; week in, week out. There's absolutely nothing you can do "That's happened twice, in fact, not to mention all the minor stuff; week in, week out. There's absolutely nothing you can do about it, they'll still just stand there and lie, but sometimes I wish I could kick
them across the yard!"
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"I'm not coming in...
GChris Revill of George Revill Haulage — a 13-vehicle outfit based in Immingham — supplied the next one. "Taking days off with no notice, like it's an automatic right;' he says. "They'll come to you on a Friday saying they want the following Monday off, just like that. Then when you point out there are four drivers already off that day so you simply can't do it, they'll announce they have a dentist's appointment in the morning, then they're seeing their solicitor in the afternoon, so you're forced to let them go. Then next thing, it'll be 'oh, and I need next Friday and the following Monday off as well... for the doctor's!' It happens again and again, and it's always the same few, but what can you do? You can't sack them, more's the pity!"
GChris Revill of George Revill Haulage — a 13-vehicle outfit based in Immingham — supplied the next one. "Taking days off with no notice, like it's an automatic right;' he says. "They'll come to you on a Friday saying they want the following Monday off, just like that. Then when you point out there are four drivers already off that day so you simply can't do it, they'll announce they have a dentist's appointment in the morning, then they're seeing their solicitor in the afternoon, so you're forced to let them go. Then next thing, it'll be 'oh, and I need next Friday and the following Monday off as well... for the doctor's!' It happens again and again, and it's always the same few, but what can you do? You can't sack them, more's the pity!"
GChris Revill of George Revill Haulage — a 13-vehicle outfit based in Immingham — supplied the next one. "Taking days off with no notice, like it's an automatic right;' he says. "They'll come to you on a Friday saying they want the following Monday off, just like that. Then when you point out there are four drivers already off that day so you simply can't do it, they'll announce they have a dentist's appointment in the morning, then they're seeing their solicitor in the afternoon, so you're forced to let them go. Then next thing, it'll be 'oh, and I need next Friday and the following Monday off as well... for the doctor's!' It happens again and again, and it's always the same few, but what can you do? You can't sack them, more's the pity!"
"They'll not go anywhere"
Andy Hunt is with well-known heavy transport specialist Abnormal Load Engineering (ALE), but eminence doesn't render them immune from muppets. "Leaving chains and ratchets on trailers and not fastening timbers down" is his personal worst.
Andy Hunt is with well-known heavy transport specialist Abnormal Load Engineering (ALE), but eminence doesn't render them immune from muppets. "Leaving chains and ratchets on trailers and not fastening timbers down" is his personal worst. "They'll not go anywhere"
Andy Hunt is with well-known heavy transport specialist Abnormal Load Engineering (ALE), but eminence doesn't render them immune from muppets. "Leaving chains and ratchets on trailers and not fastening timbers down" is his personal worst.
Andy Hunt is with well-known heavy transport specialist Abnormal Load Engineering (ALE), but eminence doesn't render them immune from muppets. "Leaving chains and ratchets on trailers and not fastening timbers down" is his personal worst.
Why? "Obviously, because they come off and go through windscreens and kill people — but try telling the drivers that!"
He adds: "It's really hard to police, though. Fine, when they leave the yard or return to it we can do spot checks, but what about when they're away on the road? It's like having an eight-year-old kid; you can tell him not to go to certain places or do certain things but, once he's gone off out on his bike, you've no idea what he's really up to. Discipline and education are the key. I say to them: 'Imagine if it was your wife's car that got hit, with your kids in the back. Your life would be in tatters, and you'd only have yourself to blame'!"
He adds: "It's really hard to police, though. Fine, when they leave the yard or return to it we can do spot checks, but what about when they're away on the road? It's like having an eight-year-old kid; you can tell him not to go to certain places or do certain things but, once he's gone off out on his bike, you've no idea what he's really up to. Discipline and education are the key. I say to them: 'Imagine if it was your wife's car that got hit, with your kids in the back. Your life would be in tatters, and you'd only have yourself to blame'!"
The sat-nay made me do it!" Planner Chris Wootten and his colleagues in the transport office at major Fakenham-based haulier Jack Richards and Son could've filled this list on their own! Top of his pet hates was drivers blaming sat-nay systems for bad routeing decisions.
The sat-nay made me do it!" Planner Chris Wootten and his colleagues in the transport office at major Fakenham-based haulier Jack Richards and Son could've filled this list on their own! Top of his pet hates was drivers blaming sat-nay systems for bad routeing decisions.
The sat-nay made me do it!" Planner Chris Wootten and his colleagues in the transport office at major Fakenham-based haulier Jack Richards and Son could've filled this list on their own! Top of his pet hates was drivers blaming sat-nay systems for bad routeing decisions.
The sat-nay made me do it!" Planner Chris Wootten and his colleagues in the transport office at major Fakenham-based haulier Jack Richards and Son could've filled this list on their own! Top of his pet hates was drivers blaming sat-nay systems for bad routeing decisions.
"Going down the M6 Toll is a favourite," he says. "We won't pay for it and tell them not to use it, so they do it anyway then plead the sat-nay told me to go that way', when you refuse to reimburse them! Or they'll get stuck somewhere stupid. It's like they can't — or won't — be bothered to think for themselves, never mind use a map!"
"How do you suck eggs?"
We'd obviously found a rich seam to mine on the subject of failure to think, because after quickly conferring with his office mates, next on Chris Wootten's list came "ringing up all the time asking stupid questions".
We'd obviously found a rich seam to mine on the subject of failure to think, because after quickly conferring with his office mates, next on Chris Wootten's list came "ringing up all the time asking stupid questions".
"How do you suck eggs?"
We'd obviously found a rich seam to mine on the subject of failure to think, because after quickly conferring with his office mates, next on Chris Wootten's list came "ringing up all the time asking stupid questions".
We'd obviously found a rich seam to mine on the subject of failure to think, because after quickly conferring with his office mates, next on Chris Wootten's list came "ringing up all the time asking stupid questions".
"Ridiculous things, like we haven't got enough to do," he continues. "You'll send them to a regular drop, somewhere they've been going three times a week, week in, week out, and they'll call and ask for a postcode. They've been there the previous day, and the day before that, but they still insist on having a postcode — the same one they rang up for yesterday. Or they'll want directions to a town or something. You think, 'you've been driving for 30 years for crying out loud, can you not work that bit out for yourself by now?"
Rob Colliver at RMC adds: "They'll ask you for directions they shouldn't really need, then completely ignore them and ring up saying they're late because they're lost!"
"So I said... P P
when he moved in to help run his father-in-law's office at George Revill Haulage. And nothing much has changed in the world of driver-created issues, it would seem. One thing has, though, and not for the good, as demonstrated by his first contribution to our little hall of shame. George Carter sold his own transport concern, only to find himself back at it
when he moved in to help run his father-in-law's office at George Revill Haulage. And nothing much has changed in the world of driver-created issues, it would seem. One thing has, though, and not for the good, as demonstrated by his first contribution to our little hall of shame.
when he moved in to help run his father-in-law's office at George Revill Haulage. And nothing much has changed in the world of driver-created issues, it would seem. One thing has, though, and not for the good, as demonstrated by his first contribution to our little hall of shame.
"F-ing and blinding at customers like they think they can nowadays;' he sighs. We feel his pain. After all, there can be nothing worse than spending weeks or even months negotiating a new contract, just for the first man you send in to call the carefully nurtured new client every name under the sun because they take more than four minutes to tip him!
"It's not easy to keep clean"
There were echoes of this entry from many of our contributors, a natty little problem summed up in two words by Chris Wootten: "Drivers stink. They'll stand there at the hatch and it's just awful. Then they'll refuse to face the fact their wagons are filthy when you pull them up for it, despite there being bottles of urine behind the seats!"
There were echoes of this entry from many of our contributors, a natty little problem summed up in two words by Chris Wootten: "Drivers stink. They'll stand there at the hatch and it's just awful. Then they'll refuse to face the fact their wagons are filthy when you pull them up for it, despite there being bottles of urine behind the seats!"
There were echoes of this entry from many of our contributors, a natty little problem summed up in two words by Chris Wootten: "Drivers stink. They'll stand there at the hatch and it's just awful. Then they'll refuse to face the fact their wagons are filthy when you pull them up for it, despite there being bottles of urine behind the seats!"
There were echoes of this entry from many of our contributors, a natty little problem summed up in two words by Chris Wootten: "Drivers stink. They'll stand there at the hatch and it's just awful. Then they'll refuse to face the fact their wagons are filthy when you pull them up for it, despite there being bottles of urine behind the seats!"
George Carter agrees: "They'll stand there and go on about how hard it is to get a shower but, while I may not be down the road full time any more, I bet I could still manage to get one three times a day, every day if you asked me to. I mean, if you are going from Glasgow to Birmingham you pass enough places! But it's more than that: they chuck rubbish everywhere they go, water their wheels when there's a toilet 50 yards away, then complain that no one will let them park anywhere! Hell, they can't even look after their own yard!"
1 don't pay for them!"
Rob Colliver's next justifiable rant left us wincing just
tyres when there's no need to'.' There can be few things worse for the hard-pressed haulier to witness than the removal of three weeks' tread because a driver can't be bothered to do a three-point turn, or drive a bit further forward so he can swing the lorry around in a gentler fashion. "It's a complete waste of money" says Colliver. And he's right: you could actually put a price on those black, rubbery marks left in the offending driver's wake if you wanted, although it's probably best you don't — it'll only make you weep. Rob Colliver's next justifiable rant left us wincing just thinking about it. "Screwing trailers around and scrubbing
tyres when there's no need to'.' There can be few things worse for the hard-pressed haulier to witness than the removal of three weeks' tread because a driver can't be bothered to do a three-point turn, or drive a bit further forward so he can swing the lorry around in a gentler fashion. "It's a complete waste of money" says Colliver. And he's right: you could actually put a price on those black, rubbery marks left in the offending driver's wake if you wanted, although it's probably best you don't — it'll only make you weep.
tyres when there's no need to'.' There can be few things worse for the hard-pressed haulier to witness than the removal of three weeks' tread because a driver can't be bothered to do a three-point turn, or drive a bit further forward so he can swing the lorry around in a gentler fashion. "It's a complete waste of money" says Colliver. And he's right: you could actually put a price on those black, rubbery marks left in the offending driver's wake if you wanted, although it's probably best you don't — it'll only make you weep.
"They're in my pocket here, boss"
"They're in my pocket here, boss" ALE's Andy Hunt has yard-based problems too, albeit of a different kind. Next on his menu of mischief was a habit he longs to stamp out of his drivers: "Taking
their keys home!"
He adds: "Obviously there are spares, but there's nothing more infuriating than having to call someone to retrieve them because the fitters can't get in the wagon. It's a waste of time and aggravation, but otherwise the vehicle can't be moved or used or anything. But still they do it."
He adds: "Obviously there are spares, but there's nothing more infuriating than having to call someone to retrieve them because the fitters can't get in the wagon. It's a waste of time and aggravation, but otherwise the vehicle can't be moved or used or anything. But still they do it."
He adds: "Obviously there are spares, but there's nothing more infuriating than having to call someone to retrieve them because the fitters can't get in the wagon. It's a waste of time and aggravation, but otherwise the vehicle can't be moved or used or anything. But still they do it."
Or, to put it another way...
Our final exhibit in this gallery of
shebang rather neatly. The main thing Andy Hunt says his drivers do that he wishes they wouldn't is "turn up for work!" Our final exhibit in this gallery of gormlessness sums up the whole
shebang rather neatly. The main thing Andy Hunt says his drivers do that he wishes they wouldn't is "turn up for work!"
shebang rather neatly. The main thing Andy Hunt says his drivers do that he wishes they wouldn't is "turn up for work!"
And he wasn't the only one; George Carter's first response to the question was exactly the same: "Sometimes it'd be cheaper, I tell you! Less damage, the yard would be cleaner, less hassle... it would be lovely, wouldn't it? Shame we wouldn't earn any money."
And there, good readers, lies the rub. Because love 'em or loathe 'em, drivers are something we still can't yet do without. Mind you, who knows? Maybe in 40 years we'll be publishing this list again, only next time it'll be called The Top 10 List Of Things You Wish Your Truck-Steering Androids Wouldn't Do, and include such gems as "failure to charge overnight".
One thing's for sure — whatever the future holds, it's bound to be infuriating.