Kirsty Howe. Age: 25 months. Assessor's verdit — "cautious and patient driver. Too easily distracted. Safety is her forte."
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Katy Richmond. Age: 24 months. Assessor's verdict — "slow starter and has a tendency to rev engine noisily. Great style when on the road."
Emma Hadwick. Age: 22 months. Assessor's verdit — "shoots away from the lights. Fast and furious with a penchant for near misses. Varies from the dangerous to the lunatic. Would make an excellent express parcels driver."
Forbes Mutch. Age: 18 months. Assessor's verdict — "the man the Hollywood stunt industry has been waiting for. Twowheel truck driving and leaping rows of double-decker buses should prove no problem to this man. Don't get in his way."
James Fordrey. Age: 14 months. Assessor's verdict — "incredibly plucky for his age. Rough terrain, off-road and construction site work will suit this ambitious and solid little trucker. Determined to get there."
• It's no laughing matter. Britain's lack of properly trained HGV drivers is a national disaster in the making. We are on the brink of industrial catastrophe.
Ever mindful of our position as the road transport industry's visible conscience, Commercial Motor decided to start its own road transport training programme. We wanted to lead by example, and nip the problem in the bud.
The newly-launched Toytown Truckers Club has three simple aims. First, to appraise driving talent at a very young age and to shape that talent into something the UK road haulage industry can profitably use. Second, to roadtest a small but growing sector of commercial vehicles in the clinical and ruthlessly independent style Commercial Motor has pioneered since 1905. Third. to reseach and develop tomorrow's truck technology.
All of our roadtesters were less than 25 months old and all had connections with the trucking industry through Commercial
Motor. Vehicles editor Andrew English kept our drivers in check and put the vehicles through our usual demanding series of tests and performance trials.
Aged 22 months, Emma Hadwick won the 0 to 3m (0 to 6ft) acceleration test hands down . . by cheating. Her stylish blue, red and white Choo Choo train covered the straight-line test route in a remarkable 11 seconds, twice as fast as the Favre Aprica SOS recovery vehicle steered by 16-month-old Forbes Mutch which covered the course in 21 seconds.
Our three other drivers, 24month-old Katy Richmond, 14month-old James Fordrey and 25-month-old Kirsty Howe all failed the acceleration test because of starting difficulties and James' inability to stay on the course at all.
Next we measured maximum noise levels and were surprised to find that the Toytown Truckers Club generated about 75dB(A) at full throttle. Does the European Commission need to look again at better sound insulation on babywalkers? Has the Health and Safety Commission seriously considered the long-term effects of such dangerous incab noise levels to the nation's children? Where is the Transport and General Workers Union on this issue?
Turning circles proved harder to measure than we had anticipated, with our vehicles editor frequently losing control of his tape. The best we could achieve was a massive 4.3m.
It was somewhat chaotic when we took to the road in convoy. The medium-duty, light gross-vehicle-weight high street distribution test route proved less than ideal. Very few of our junior HGV trainees actually stuck to the route and our fuel economy run came out at a very questionable 22.7 rusks/100km. Kirsty liowe also found that the Huntley and Palmer's winter-grade plain chocolate digestive is a remarkably good alternative fuel as the nights draw in. Kirsty managed 19.7 plain chocolate digestive biscuits/ 100km. As soon as we reached the simulated off-road section, however, the spectacular crash skills of Forbes Mulch came into play and Katy Richmond, our only nonstarter at this point, suddenly got the bug and hit the road.
Forbes found that the average toytown truck understeers to the point of catastrophe and roll-over protection is virtually ignored in this section of the commercial vehicle market. His most horrific crash was from the Merit fire engine, and only some sensational lastminute footwork from a charging James Fordrey avoided our stricken driver from being "hedgehogged".
Where are they now? Kirsty is test driving for Volvo in the arctic circle. Her defensive driving skills are proving invaluable in the Swedish manufacturer's ceaseless quest for a safe tin box surrounded by steel girders and mounted on wheels. Next week, she plans to drive the yet-to-beannounced fully-powered 410kW (550hp) F18 tractive unit and trailer straight out of the 19th-floor window of a London skyscraper to help the company's television advertising campaign prove just how sensible Volvo really is.
Katy has joined ROSPA, the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents, to work on sound insulation in cabs. She is also rumoured to be gunrunning to the Middle East. Emma is now one of TNT's fastest overnight drivers, running 38-tonne artics up and down the Ml. She is thought to be the only driver in the country to offer previous-day
delivery.
Forbes is now shooting the crash scenes for Indiana Jones and the 1?e1tim of the fedi Werewolves IV at Universal Studios in Hollywood. He is also booked to play opposite Joan Rivers in Speilberg's next blockbuster, The Stunt and I, later this year.
James has been asked to test the new NATO tank transporter on rough-terrain trials in West Germany. All Allied forces on the continent have gone into hiding. Cl by Geoff Hadwick