Political Commentary
Page 45
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1066 and All That
By JANUS IHAVE it from my usual unreliable sources that the British Transport Commission intends this year to put on its own Christmas show, a series of tableaux with words and music depicting Transport Man through the ages. The idea behind the spectacle is borrowed from the Russians, who have recently been educating us to the fact that the scientific advances commonly attributed to such people as Darwin, Edison and Baird were really the discoveries of men with names like Vladimir Popov, which sounds much more likely The B.T.C. is trying to stress the fact, not widely enough known but self-evident if you come to think of it, that no real progress was made in transport until the passing of the Transport Act, and that Transport Man owes a great debt to the pioneers, planners and research workers who have delivered him from the tyranny of Shanks's pony.
Vision of the Ivory Tower
In conformity with this theme, the first scene depicts the Vision of the Ivory Tower in the background, whilst in the foreground Lord Hurcomb is shown, dressed in the simple costume of our primitive forebears and busily engaged in inventing the wheel. Transport Man stands idly by, giving no evidence of intelligent interest. He looks healthy, muscular and well proportioned, but the idea of progress is something beyond him. As the scene fades he kicks the wheel to pieces and trudges out chanting "Left! Left! I had a good job but I left."
With the unfolding of the pageant he gradually comes to realize the advantages of an efficient, adequate, economical and properly integrated system of transport. At first the going is hard. He cuts himself to pieces on Queen Boadicea's chariot. He waits obediently at the end of the road until the Romans lay another stretch. He rides to Canterbury, bored beyond measure by a character named Chaucer, who retails a succession of stale anecdotes without troubling to find out first if Transport Man has heard them. He is fleeced by the turnpike men, by Dick Turpin and sundry other representatives of the powers-that-be. At all times he is encouraged by the presence of the planners, who keep the vision undimmed and guard the sacred flame.
The Boy in Him There are occasional moments during the show when Transport Man actually appears to enter fully into the spirit of the thing. He shows childish delight in the first railway, and his enthusiasm for the motor vehicle lasts right to the end of the piece. His great moment comes in the transformation scene, described in the programme as "The Ivory Tower at last, August, 1947." Transport Man is groomed like Cinderella for a new and better existence. The B.T.C. gives him the whole treatment, It finds out how many children he has and how many cigarettes he smokes a day. It determines how long he takes to get to and from his place of work, how much he spends on fares and how often he travels for pleasure.. He is weighed, measured, psycho-analysed and X-rayed. He is questioned on what he reads in the Tube, and on whether he stands; sits or lies prone on the floor during the journey. While all this is happening', a-series of violent argil:ments is raging on each side of the stage. One group of characters is quarrelling about the clock which will
strike 12 when the time comes for Transport Man to return to his former wretched condition. The Road Haulage Association wants to turn the clock back; the Traders' Road Transport Association to wind it up. The Passenger Vehicle Operators' Association would prefer to wind up the Road Passenger Executive. Sir Robert Inglis is standing at Corkerhill shouting "All change!" while Mr. Arthur Deakin at Transport House is calling just as loudly "Never c'hange! "
Transport History Repeats Itself This, the culminating scene of the pageant, shows more clearly even than the rest how transport history tends to repeat itself. In every age the ignorant and unblessed have fought among themselves for the prize of Transport Man, while the B.T.C. has gone quietly on with the job of providing a service. So that at various stages during the performance we are shown the B.T.C. organizing the invasion of William the Conqueror, the Crusades, the travels of Marco Polo, the retreat from Moscow, the charge of the Light Brigade and the discovery of America. The last item provides thec fp p r tunit y for a most affecting interlude in which Columbus brings the benefits of integration to a horde of simple and savage hauliers, who come to crown him with garlands, sinning as they advance:
"Let me run, run, run o'er this great and fertile land Twenty-live miles ain't enough for me."
At the End of the Queue The final scene has greatly taken the fancy of the critics. The stage is divided by a wall. On one side is a long line of people waiting at a bus stop. This ingenious setting lends itself naturally to a display of what is prettily known as street furniture. Transport Man can be seen towards the end of the queue. Sustained by the planners and the vision, he has obviously moved a long way from the uncouth ruffian who so deliberately sabotaged the noble design of Lord Hurcornb way back to Scene One. A slouching degenerate type, with the end of a cigarette drooping from between his lips, he now has no criticism to offer, but would plainly welcome the addition to the street furniture of a few armchairs. The fact that no bus appears on the stage at any time during this fairly lengthy scene is said to be because of technical difficulties.
Separated by the wail from the queue and the weather is the Transport Tribunal. One after another the individuals in the queue are brought before the Tribunal, and each tells a story as harrowing as any heard in a police court or a psychiatrist's confessional. At intervals the Tribunal issues a notice of a further increase in charges. The last is announced just before Transport Man is due to give evidence. He takes his money out of his pocket, looks at it, shrugs his shoulders and slouches off through the rain in the opposite direction, intoning mournfully, "Left! Left! I had a good job but I left."
As the scene slowly fades, the orchestra strikes up the theme song. There is still some doubt about the most suitable tune. Some advisers want "Land of Hope and Glory," but others prefer something a little more up to date, like Dat Ivory Tower Rag," if that is what the thing is called.