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188 
GETTING TO KNOW YOU"
Page 48
Page 49
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Oliver Dixon starts to bond with his Actros, as together they cross Europe and find Hungary is....erm, altogether better than Luton.
Ihave achieved the impossible:I have found a use for Belgium.The road from Brussels to Stuttgart — which granted, takes in a bit more than just Belgium—proved itself an ideal 'getting to know you' period for me and my new best friend, the Actros.
Now I know that paying attention in press conferences can be a good thing. Once upon a time, someone explained tome — with the care and patience only reserved by particularly dedicated teachers for particularly slow pupils —just how this thing works.
I was there (the memory of trying to stop my eyes from glazing over is still very fresh); something was said about the gear lever—it hinges down on an armrest — and the stalk affair to the right of the steering column was a source of bidden pleasure as well.
When the world— or quite a bit of it — is watching you, expecting you to move forwards on the first tentative steps of a 5,000km journey, only being able to select reverse is a problem.
The best way to Kabul— from Brussels — is east, and forwards. Not west, and backwards. I didn't pay a whole lot of attention in geography either, but this I do knowThankfully,the new Actros doesn't make the sort of noises older trucks do when you select a gear they don't like. In fact, the truck's silence speaks volumes.! sense that it is disappointed, and is sternly reviewing what it had once hoped was going to be a long and fulfilling relationship.
So I've not left the starting line and already my trusty steed is, according to its unhappy array of lights, calling Relate for a bit of relationship counselling. I half expect a pre-nuptial agreement to appear on the steering wheel, and a lawyer to descend from the header rail.
However, with a bit of praying and judicious swearing,! eventually find second gear and we are on our way.That is myself,Ten Actri, support vehicles and a German TV crew (of which more later).
Terra incognita
Having worked out the gearbox — a rather grand way of saying that I don't have to do anything, unless it's press the brake— it's time to discover the pleasures of the stalk array.
Belgium is passing me by, and !discover the cruise control button. In some of the flattest, most tedious scenery Europe has to offer, I detect a retarder. My nose almost detects a windscreen; I quickly locate a seatbelt. And then the clever stuff: I can vary my distance from the trailer in front. Big deal,1 hear you cry, you've found the brake and accelerator pedals. Nope, I've discovered distronic.This allows me to input the number of metres I wish to be behind the vehicle in front; then I just press the button. My cruise control takes me there and keeps me there and, if my leader slows, then so do!.
Even better,if someone cuts me up, the Actros avoids it. However, it leaves it up to me to wave my fist out of the window.
This is all extremely good stuff but I'm particularly taken with lane assist. If I weave over a line, the Actros gives me the Bronx cheer. If I'm erring to the left, the cheer emanates from my left foot well. If I'm doing a Tony and veering off to the right, then it comes from— you've got it — the right. Not only do I stay on the straight and narrow, bull also have the possibility of playing tunes. Which, if you've ever heard Bulgarian radio, you will immediately recognise.
Vienna calling
We overnight in Stuttgart: home of DaimlerChrysler, and location of press conference number two (I suspect that there may be one or two more).Already the script is becoming fairly predictable.
Waved away and Vienna is calling.The journey from Stuttgart to the Austrian capital is a fairly decent trek, and the fact that Germany is getting its first rain for a few weeks makes for good driving conditions.
I also get a confidence boost in that I find the wipers first time, although who knows what else! activated —1 twisted so many knobs that I probably launched a couple of missiles, but at least! got a clean screen.
Vienna: beer, bed, border, Hungary. Now we're beginning to get somewhere interesting. Out of the EU, and into the badlands.
Well, not really sure, the infrastructure gets worse the further away from the capital city you get but that shouldn't come as a surprise. Considering Luton, a mere 30 miles away from the centre of our great capital, and applying the same argument, causes me some concern. But then looking at the roads in Hungary makes me forget.
Someone is spending some serious money here.The cynics say that the likes of Hungary and Poland are onlyjoining the EU for the handouts. But, they'll not be spending the windfall on the roads — or not this one to B udapest at any rate. Not unless they want to furline the hard shoulder, or lay marble paving stones:This is the best driving since Brussels.
Tomorrow, I'm off to Serbia, and then the fun should begin in earnest. Now !know the truck, I'm beginning to enjoy myself