• Have you tried phoning the Metropolitan Traffic Area Office (071-605 03300)? One of my fledglings has, repeatedly.
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The problems began when he applied for a provisional HGV licence and foolishly forgot to send his ordinary licence. Realising his mistake the next day he tried phoning, several times, but no reply. So he sent the licence off with a covering letter explaining the error.
A few days later a letter arrived, asking him to sign his ordinary licence and send it back. No licence was enclosed. He tried phoning, again. . .
Several days later, he got through and was given two other numbers to ring, one of which had been disconnected!
• Those who suspect the Transport Secretary of speaking with a forked tongue will have had their suspicions deepened by a report in the Nottingham Evening Post announcing a Green conference being held by the Freight Transport Association.
"Transport Secretary Cecil Parkinson will deliver the keynote speech'', says the Post. "Within him will be Martin Bradshaw of the Civic Trust and Mike Callery, Lancashire, county surveyor."
• A CM polo shirt to any reader who can identify this vehicle and its vintage, excluding original employees of the manufacturer. Readers who can guess correctly how many potatoes are in the sacks will get nothing extra for their trouble — well, maybe a couple of bumper stickers for trying.
Answers on a postcard please, with shirt size. • The Hawk's award for this month's best attempt at getting a product plug on the letter's page goes to Mike Rampling, managing director of Ascus, who writes to the editor: I am writing in view of the current situation in the Gulf and the resulting rapidlyescalating fuel prices. I am encouraged to read of the increasing momentum towards persuading the Government to be firmer with the oil companies, and of the campaign now being waged by such as Ray Hockley of Rexel.
However, I firmly believe there are ways in which the fuel price escalation problem can be addressed. . . one way is: through a computerised cost monitoring system (such as our FOCIS-2000 Fleet Managing System) . . .
0 Congratulations to Jean Sharpies of Eardisley, near Hereford who wins a CM polo shirt for identifying the current personas of Maurice Mickelwhite (Michael Caine), Harry Webb (Cliff Richard), Reg Dwight (Elton John), Richard Starkey (Ringo Starr) and Priscilla White (Cilia Black). The (now) famous five all feature in a Securicor campaign to promote its Omega Express launch,
• Imagine the surprise of those horny handed sons of the soil at the Farmers of the Year award dinner when, in place of a ploughman's lunch, cowpie and cider, the great British menu included: Terrine de Poisson Grimaldi (salmon terrine with fillets of sole) Consommé de Boeuf Portugais (beef consomme) Supreme de Pintade Poele aux Morilles (roast breast and leg of guinea fowl) Porrunes Château (barrelshaped roast potatoes) Panache de Legumes (carrots, swedes and courgettes) Indulgent au Chocolat Sauce A ['Orange et Grand Marnier (chocolate mousse and orange sauce, flavoured with orange and brandy).
The recent contratemps with their French oppos over the odd lamb or 200 being roasted a la roadside fired the Welsh winners, John and David Davies, to threaten a boycott of the Grosvenor Hotel do. In the end, they were persuaded that the fancy-sounding nosh was as British as Bow Bells.
A sigh of relief then from the award organisers, including the Farmers Publishing Group, FPG is owned by Reed Business Publishing Group, the publisher of some well-known business magazines such as CM.
• Nice to hear Brian Redhead giggling while reading out a Department of Transport news item on Radio 4's Today programme. The offending release solemnly reported that a motorway pile-up had "modified traffic flow".
• Stray dogs — dontcha love 'em? But not if your name is Mike Smith and you were driving an HGV through Bristol in the early hours of the morning when a pooch wandered into your path.
The resulting scene, as Smith swerved to avoid the jay
walking canine, was like a clip from the film Death Race 2000. Seven parked cars were clobbered, including four belonging to one family, and a lamppost and telegraph pole were felled, cutting off telephone links to recovery services.
Get down Shep.