'It seems that not only is
Page 58
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." there a lorry ban in London,
there's a people ban'
4 T he Official Monster Raving Loony Party has thought for a long time
that this little old island of ours has been eyeing the east and still cannot make up its mind what to do. Well we know, we can tell you and we will.
The Channel Tunnel actually went the wrong way — it should have gone to America. We hear through our sources of loonyism that the chief engineer got the sack for reading the drawings upside down.
Another alternative we favoured was for the tunnel to go to Jersey so that we could become part of the tax haven.
If we have to "join" Europe (when I went to school I was taught that we were part of Europe when did we leave?) the Min Party will insist that we become the offshore island, thus claiming our own tax-haven status. Jersey, Guernsey and the Isle of Man can become our satellite islands.
Last month I visited the United States to appear on television and talk to newspapers in a bid to convince Bill Clinton and the American electorate that the Official Monster Raving Loony Party was on their side. If we were in power, I said, we would like Britain to become the next state of America instead of getting in a state over Europe.
As for trucking in the US, there remains a certain romance about American trucks and truckers and the songs that are written about them. I have got nearly every record that Dave Dudley and Red Simpson ever recorded and many others of a like kind. You might think that strange for a man who owns a hotel with a large lorry park on the A38 in Devon halfway between Exeter and Plymouth (that's enough plugs —Ed).
When I last spoke to CM, I mentioned that some of my customers were lorry drivers. I am sorry to report that our local haulier, WF Miners & Son, is no longer trading after more than 50 years in Ashburton, Devon, where it employed many people. I've no doubt that Freddie will bounce back again, but for now it's another statistic for this love-lost government of ours.
Our illustrious leader, Screaming Lord Sutch, has been sounding off recently about the effect of wheel clamping where he lives in Kensington, London. The local builder got clamped while unloading materials to mend the roof of a pensioner who'd lost her roof in a gale. If Lord Sutch's relatives or friends visit him they are forced to park a mile away or keep moving their cars every 30 minutes. So it seems that not only is there a lorry ban in London, there's a people ban!
I sometimes wonder whether those who make these rules understand that it's people who drive lorries and cars. The signs should say that there is a ban on people driving lorries and people parking cars. Do the bureaucrats not realise that the world revolves around people?
Talking of power, everyone we meet say they voted for us. Why didn't we win? I have yet to find anyone who owned up to voting Tory How did they win?
Keep on trucking.
If you want to sound off about a road transport issue write to features editor Patric Cunnane,