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By our Northern Correspondent Eric Strongitharm Oswaldtwistle.
Page 21
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The wrath of Oswaldtwistle Town Council has descended on Spagthorpe Motor Company after a prominent town councillor accused some of its employees of perpetrating a "lewd act" on one of the town's most historic sites.
Councillor Mauricio Spigglebottom ("I'm half Italian" he says on his personal website www,itsspiggletime.com..."let's just say the ladies of this town know which half") says that his "gigantic zoom camera" has provided what appears to be photographic evidence to back up his claim.
"It's not in the league of lewd acts that I have seen committed in my time, I can tell you," he says with a twitch. "But it were below anything the most depraved of minds could imagine."
Union convener Arthur "Uncle Joe" Ballpeen says there is an easy explanation behind the photo, right, which has been released to CM. "Thanks to Chairman and President for Life Sir Jos Spagthorpe's decision to make our employees work -18 hours non. stop without a break and to bulldoze our one outside urinal because the smell upset his prize winning whippets, our lads are forced to relieve themselves in one gigantic blast at the nearest place they can find."
Spigglebottom's fury has been exacerbated by the location of this blast. "This is the sacred chimney where the world record chimneysweep sweep was carried out by Spagthorpe's very own mighty midget, the three foot five pigmy Orphelius Micldespink. Strange name—great sweeper."
A Spagthorpe Motor Company delegation is to meet the town council in the next few days to discuss the controversy.
Chairman and President for Life Sir Jos Spagthorpe says: "Spigglebottom's talking bloody nonsense. We'll see 'im in court. But he should remember that my niece Gracie has her own photo of Mr Spigglebottom dancing the Lambada at the last works hot pot supper."