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By our Northern Correspondent Erie Strongitharm, Oswaldtwisde.
Page 22
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Summer is a'coming in and all around the Legendary Iron Works can be heard the merry screams of young S MC apprentices being "hazed" in the finest traditions of regiments of the line and recent arrivals at Britain's finest public schools.
Dressed in their traditional blue moleskin romper suits, the new SMC recruits are encouraged to clean out the inside of a Spagthorpe Dreadnought steamer. To help them reach the furthest corners of the boiler tube an S MC journeyman applies a traditional "shoving" pole to their lower body. In a recent sludgestrewn ceremony, Chairman and President for Life Sir Jos Spagthorpe rejected claims that the practice of apprenticeshoving is degrading and dangerous: "Stuff and bloody nonsense! Young lads love it! It fair brings a tear to your eye—well, their eyes, anyroad. And besides, how the bloody 'ell are we supposed to clean t'boilers out anyway. WI' pipe cleaners?
"We've been shoving apprentices up holes since I were a lad," says the great man. "Of course, when it were my turn I paid one of t`village gobbins to be shoved in my place. Once he'd recovered consciousness he reckoned it were grand fun."
Sir Jos went on to add: "I don't know what the nation's coming to. Ever since we stopped sending small boys up t'chimney of Spagthorpe Hall the main fireplace has never drawn as well. I think mebbe one of them young buggers is still up there swingin' the lead."
FLASH: Health and safety official have charged Spagthorpe Motor Company with reckless disregard for employee safety after loading bay apprentice Darren Acne had to be rescued from the boiler of a Spagthorpe Dreadnought by members of the Clow Bridge and Goodshaw Fold potholing society.