A Few Hints for Mechanical Transport Recruits.
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• In the first place, try to realize that, although your job is a comparatively safe one, there is nothing to be ashamed of ; if you do your best, you, in your harmless but necessary way, are quite as -useful to your country as the man in the trenches, but for any sake don't write home long letters describing the brave way in which you stood by your 'bus day after clay in the presence of Death, with shot, shell and poison gas twiddling round you. Tell your terrible tarradiddles afterwards, when those at home know you are safe; thereby you will escape some of the scorn of those who've been there." Besides, fiction has a tricky knack of coming to pass. Jules Verne wrote fiction about aeroplanes and submarines.
Don't get "the wind up" the first time you see "Very" lights. Remember that they are not really looking for you.
Now that quite nice people are joining the Army, refrain from using bad language and cultivate a refined method of expressing anger. Whatever your lorry's faults, remember that Annie Laurie is feminine, and "Where the ***** *" are you coming to, you """" is not half so scathing as "Avaunt., perfidious Albion"; " Commer long dear" or " Halleys where art thou going?" It is futile to damn BELSIZE because MAUD'S LAYzy. If you speak to her more in SAURER than in anger, you'll KARRJER farther than by losing your WOOL-seley.
If you ever see a Staff Officer coming, quickly get a hit of waste and smear your hands with oil. You can always tell a Staff Officer by the trade-mark on his hat—Red Tape, Rampant.
If you are employed on a workshop, keep near the store lorry, then when the Gaffer strolls along, you can pick out a in. nut and make a bolt for it. He will then probably look upon you as strenuous, and may even appoint you Mechanical Staff Sergeant, thus once more asserting the Survival of the Fitter.
First Drivers should cultivate the following :— 1. Six bob a day. 2. Food. 3. Beer from 11-1.
4. Care of the morals of the 2nd Driver. 5. More food. 6. More beer between 6-8. 7. Driving. Second Drivers as above, except 4. Care of the
morals of the 1st Driver. 8, Sitting in negligee attitude in back of lorry and jerking string immediately at sight of enemy or A.P.M. Despatch Riders should cultivate :— 1. Six bob a day. 2. An 'aggard and 'arassed look. 3. Imagination. 4. Lots more imagination.
5. Recklessness of the future of the soul. 5. A 'massive expanse of breast for hardly-earned medals. 6. A habit of saving the Army at the expense of tyres
or pedestrians. 7. A large revolver (never mind about ammunition; that costs money, and it's Wartime). 8. A few convincing fragments of the 17 in. shell that would have certainly done you in, had you not been in the habit of taking Phossiline in your
beer. 9. Photo, of yourself (with revolver) near bicycle. 10. Copy of "'Snacks," with hazy reproduction of No. 9 headed "Testimony from One of Our Brave Fighting Men."
N.B.—The above suggestions are based on the opinions of indignant passing infantry on the way back to their comfortable trenches after a nice route march, laden With buttercups.
The French language is more simple than it sounds at school. Judicious use of the following idioms will see you through. Pronounce as spelt :— Nahpoo = I see, nothing doing. Beer Ongly = Nutritious nectar for Nuts. Stoot = Dirty ditto. Arfanarf = Same diluted. Bee-air = Penny moisture. Appray lar gayre = Polite negative. Compree ----, Got you, Steve. Cour (printed on doors in estammets = Perhaps your friend is in the billiard-room. You will learn other phrases from time to time.
If you have a right to the S. African ribbon, wear it ; otherwise wear two. If anybody throws any doubts, tell them "this is a picnic compared to it" and encourage them to talk about clear old Buller.
If your particular method of drivinglaas an air of clumsiness because of your fondness for changing up from third to reverse when going down a gentle gradient, don't apologise, but inform your critics that you were the head tester at the Daimler works. They will defer to you then and call you "Sir "unless, of course, any others of him happen to be present.
Always wave to officers, even if you have not been
introduced—that's discipline. It is often a good plan to do it to the Q.M.S. as well—that's brain, as
If your job takes you to a warm corner of the earth and the wind gets up; remember that, however sticky the feeling, we only exp_erience it now and then. Some of our pals cop it all the year round, and they can stick it !
Always be prepared to hear that the village you have just arrived at has been strafed daily for months, but don't worry. You will generally find that your coming has brought peace to the poor place. Don't look for shell-holes either—you will never find them if you have to search. They must have been filled in!
The Kaiser has no definite designs on your particular lorry.