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By our Northern Correspondent, Eric Strongitharm, Oswaldtwistle.
Page 38
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Panic has gripped the people of Oswaidtwistle like a proud ferret-breeder holding on tightly to his prize-winning beast with a strong yet fearful touch lest his animal turn on him and sink its teeth unshakeably into his wrist, only slightly different.
For, due to a recent embarrassing episode involving three
million tonnes of water and a vast concrete dam with no outlet pipe fitted (-We were tryin' to bring t'company in t'2 oth century, vvi'everything running on that there hydrophonic power but contractors were all cowboys who disappeared wi' me brass," a red-faced Sir Jos Spagthorpe Chairman and President for Life of the Spagthorpe Motor Company, was heard to moan), there is an acute shortage of water in the town.
While the locals argue over how to "release" this reservoir situated in the hills above Oswaldtwistle, the town teeters on the brink of the edge of a state of emergency This was made all too clear last night, when a raging fire broke out in the SMC's secret Stoat Works R&D site, threatening to lay waste to the worldclass engineering department.
As the flames licked at the overalls of engineering supremo Henry Sucksqueeze, an idea came to him like a whippet on heat. Ordering the local fire brigade to smother a fire engine in "as much ice as tha blinlcin well can", he explained to the bemused officers his plan to drive a vehicle headlong into the inferno, melting the ice and putting out the fire like a true northern hero.
Never ones to argue about the consequences, the brigade did as he asked and handed the crazed engineer the keys. Licking his lips, he hopped aboard the frozen chariot and shouted to his townsfolk something completely inaudible in the roar of the dancing flames, and, standing proudly aloft, piloted the engine full pelt towards the furnace.
FLASH: The Lady of the Blessed Pancreas hospital in nearby Bamoldswick confirmed that a Mr Sucksqueeze had been admitted, suffering from mild burns and a sheepish demeanour after driving a fire engine packed with ice into a small, smouldering barn. Officials were unavailable for comment, although mutterings about "chariots o' fire" and gales of hysterical laughter were heard from the town's fire station.