1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
33
34
35
36
37
38
39
40
41
42
43
44
45
46
47
48
49
50
51
52
53
54
55
56
57
58
59
60
61
62
63
64
65
66
67
68
69
70
71
72
73
74
75
76
77
78
79
80
81
82
83
84
85
86
87
88
89
90
91
92
93
94
95
96
97
98
99
100
101
102
103
104
105
106
107
108
109
110
111
112
113
114
115
116
117
118
119
120
121
122
123
124
125
126
127
128
129
130
131
132
133
134
135
136
137
138
139
140
141
142
143
144
145
146
147
148
149
150 
By our Northern Correspondent Eric Strongitharrn,
Page 22
If you've noticed an error in this article please click here to report it so we can fix it.
Oswaldtwistle.
Gossip and rumour flutter through the small Lancashire town of Oswaldtwistle this week like a brightly coloured yet slightly malignant butterfly alighting where it chooses and leaving the chewed cabbage leaves of confusion in its wake.
Talk in the town has centred on the sensational sightings by local idler Wally Worklittle, instead of concentrating on the good fortune that has come the way of chairman and president for life of the Spagthorpe Motor Company Sir Jos Spagthorpe.
The Oswaldtwistle Procastinator was set to run a story on the huge fleet order drummed through by fleet sales supremo Len Dammit to local haulier lebediah Flytip for a glass contract. -Thirty wagons on a five-year deal, no trimmins—should keep the workforce going for months, saved their necks this deal 'as, but do I get the credit and proper coverage? Do I 'eck!" ranted Sir Jos, waving a copy of this week's paper and pointing to the headline. "Look 'ere: 'Local Chap Sees Flying Man In Town Square'. Utter claptrap!
"There I am, a thrustin' capitalist entrepreneur, makin' town a better place and they write the sort of story that went out with t'dark ages. Luddites, that's what they are, tryin' to 'old back waters o' progress like King Canute."
Worklittle contacted the paper shortly before midnight last Tuesday after spotting the apparition: "I was on me way 'ome from t'pub when from out of nowhere a huge noise deafened us, then as the noise peaked, this fella came by holding onto his hat, 15 foot in the air, never seen owt like it," exclaimed Worklittle.
Worklittle went on to explain: "I followed the same routine every night for a week and the same happened. In to the Spagthorpe Downtrodden Proletariat Pigeon Fancier's Club at seven, Arthur Parabolic is a member and he gets us in like. Well, I stood at the bar for four hours, you know, socialising. At closing time I left and there it was, deafening noise followed by this fella 15 foot in the air holding onto his cap!"
NEWSFLASH: Red faces all round at the Oswaldtwistle Procastinator as the truth behind the recent 'Flying Man' story has finally been revealed. Step forward
Flytip who, reading the obituaries column for potential house clearances, suddenly realised it was his wagons at the heart of the rumours following his recently-won glass contract.
"We need a fella to stand on top of the glass load to look out for any low bridges or obstacles. Glass is very delicate you know...," says the culprit.