All is forgiven!
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"YOU MAY RECALL," said Maggie's brother Cromwell, "that from time to time I have been mildly critical of the activities of the Department of Transport."
"I recall no such thing," I replied. "On the contrary, I distinctly remember your suggesting that the sooner that DTp staff all went on strike and stayed there, the better for everyone. If that is mild criticism I tremble for the welfare of those devoted public servants should they ever really arouse your ire."
"You may be right," Cromwell replied. "But you need tremble no more after my recent nightmare. Would you like to to tell you about it?"
"Well .. ." I hesitated, but was too late; Cromwell had begun.
"A few weeks ago I happened to see 'Yes, Minister', the TV comedy series which shows what really goes on inside Ministries. In particular it demonstrates what most of us have long suspected — that Ministers are puppets in the hands of their civil servants.
"The Minister James Hacker is subtly manipulated by his top civil servant Sir Humphrey Appleby, backed up by the whole Whitehall machine.
"I went to bed thinking about this, and suddenly found myself on the 18th floor of No 2 Marsham Street. To my surprise James Hacker was sitting behind the desk where I expected to see David Howell. Moreover, Sir Humphrey was sitting opposite him.
"'Now, Minister,' Sir Humphrey was saying, 'the PM's dramatic move, on the advice of her personal adviser Sir John Hoskyns, in sacking the top echelon of DTp civil servants at the same time as re-shuffling David Howell out of the Cabinet gives us a unique opportunity to get some sense into transport policy.
"Sir H went on, 'I know that you will agree, Minister, that our first priority must be to clear up the heavier lorry mess.'
"Hacker looked puzzled. 'Surely that was decided immediately before David Howell was appointed chief British delegate to the Permanent UN Conference on the Standardisation of Widget Flanges,' he said.
"Appleby put on his wellknown 'tolerating an idiot' expression. 'I fear, Minister,' he said, 'that, if I may say so without offence, you are making the common politician's error of confusing legislation with reality. Your predecessor certainly got Parliament to agree to heavier lorries before his, er, urn, er, promotion. But to do so he felt he had to offer all sorts of concessions to his backbenchers. Dozens of new bypasses, more enforcement staff. .. It would all have cost a fortune, and was obviously quite out of the question. Surely the PM explained all this when telling you about our move?'
"'All I recall is the PM going on about the intellectual corruption of civil servants,' said Hacker.
"'Exactly, Minister,' said Appleby. 'My predecessor and his subordinates were going ahead with plans for implementing these matters as though they were meant to be taken seriously. That was the cause of their downfall.'
"Poor Hacker looked even more bewildered than usual. 'But surely, Humphrey,' he spluttered, 'David meant it to be taken seriously?'
"'Again exactly, Minister,' came the smooth mandarin's reply.
'And that was the cause of his dow . . er, promotion. The Cabinet long ago came to the conclusion that he had been bamboozled by his civil servants into stirring up this heavier lorry row. They only agreed to the goodies — I mean, the environmental measures — in order to avoid a Commons defeat. So when the vote
resulted in a majority of 63, and thus showed that these expensive promises had been superfluous it was widget flanges or nothing, since he was too young for the Lords.
"Hacker pondered a moment and then said hesitantly, 'I can see that David could not survive such a political misjudgment. But I don't see how we can escape implementing the measures. For example, we can't just ignore new legislation on environmental suitability of operating centres. The Traffic Areas will need more staff if the Licensing Authorities are to do their job properly. You tell me that they are independent of my control. I assume this means that if they want to make a meal of this new legislation I can't stop them.'
" 'In law they are indeed independent,' said Appleby. 'In practice they can be made to eat out of your hand,' "'How?' asked Hacker, looking hopeful.
"'By playing on their insecurity,' said Hacker. 'Deep down they find it hard to believe that they get over £22,000 a year for such a simple job, " 'They are here for a Conference next week. Over a drink you could casually mention that if, for any reason, their manpower demands were to rise, you might — with very great reluctance — have to reduce their numbers still further. As they have gone down by 36% in the last twelve months they will be disposed to believe you. So you get the best of both worlds — meeting your predecessor's commitment without increased manpower.'
"Hacker's face showed relief for the first time. 'I see.' Then it clouded over again. 'But that means the legislation won't be applied.'
" 'Exactly,' said Appleby. 'The situation will be normal, so no one will notice.'
" 'I see,' said Hacker again. 'But what about bypasses? We can't get out of those, surely?'
" 'Of course not, Minister,' replied Appleby. 'Well, not a// of
them. However there should be no problem about restricting the programme by a return to the normal criteria.'
"'You mean the use of economic cost-benefit analysis?' asked Hacker.
"'Good heavens no, Minister,' replied Appleby. 'I refer to bypasses of towns with MPs who support the Government. Most of these have already been dealt with, so expenditure should stay within bounds.'
" 'Ah,' said Hacker, 'but what about all the towns promised bypasses by David Howell? We can't just ignore them.'
"'Of course not, Minister. A promise is a promise. However, a rumour just might get around to the effect that, as soon as the full bypass programme is complete, the Government intends to yield to Common Market pressure to go up to 44 tonnes. That would put new life into the anti-road lobby. They have saved the Government a lot of road-building expenditure in the past, and the threat of 44tonners would certainly encourage them to do so again.'
"'Very ingenious, Humphrey,' said Hacker. 'However, it has a fatal flaw. David Howell said quite clearly before he was sac ..., er, promoted, that we did not intend to go beyond 38 tonnes. So no one would believe such a rumour.'
" 'Oh, Minister,' said Appleby, almost sneering, 'it is precisely because he said it that people will believe the 44-tonne
rumour. I fear that Ministerial statements are only taken seriously by the Minister who makes them.'
At that point Cromwell laughed. "In my dream I could not resist saying out loud 'And not always him!' That drew their attention to me, Hacker called me an SDP spy, Appleby got on the phone to MI6, and I woke up.
"But from now on I shall be a member of that most exclusive club 'Friends of the Department of Transport'."
"Are you sure," I asked him, "that you could stand being the only non-civil servant member?"