NEWS from the
Page 17
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NORTH!
By our Northern Correspondent Eric Strongitharm Oswaldtwistle.
"Are ye sure it's bloody well dead?" was Chairman and President for Life Sir Jos Spagthorpe's response when he clapped eyes on the inaugural load to be moved by Spagthorpe Motor Company's latest Tripehound'.
The giant haggis was found on the outskirts of Oswaldwhistle by two
innocent scallywags enjoying the summer holidays by throwing concrete blocks onto passing trains. It will shortly be moved by local firm, Westons of Botto, to Glasgow's finest eatery The Blocked Artery'. "God knows where't bloody thing came from," says Sir Jos. "Maybe someone shot it or ran it over, or it fell out eh some Scotchman's rucksack while walking up 'ere. I hear they like to walk a lot. On hills muttering to themselves. Not that I know owt about Scotchland."
Sir Jos was "shocked" on being told by lead ukelele player Arthur Sibelius that Scotland was in fact further "up the country than Oswaldwhistle".
"More Northern than us? How can ye get more
Northern than us? How many whippets do they have then?" Spagthorpe replies.
Sibelius's only trip to Scotland had been as part of a Celtic Folk Festival in Glasgow to years ago, but he had managed to squeeze in one outing to "The Blocked Artery".
"Ay, Scots were reet friendly.., for a while any road. Lots of jokes. Lots of red hair and bad teeth. Then whisky came out and they started bleetin' on about some battles in the 13th, r4th, i5th, i6th, r7th and 18th centuries.
They seemed to think it were me that were responsible. I woke up in a bed of shattered glass on't street." Sir Jos is taking Sibelius' remarks seriously and the group accompanying the load will be allocated steel helmets.