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Old Ores New Year Almanac
Page 66
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Peter Orr makes his predictions for 2004 and sees a bright future for the industry — in the unlikely fields of reality IV and restaurants...
Take my word for it, you really don't want to know what I've been getting up to over the past month; you'll be far better off reading what's in store for us all next year. I've managed to get hold of a shop-soiled crystal ball, and this is what I see for 2004.
January
Rumours abound as to the ownership of Fast Eddie's. the sensational new tea van now operating on the Carlisle bypass.
The Highways Agency admits that the total closure of the motorway network was due to the wrong type of salt.
February
Commercial Motor's latest film extravaganza, SaltyWeather (a gritty road movie) opens to rave reviews.The All Party Select Committee reports that traffic congestion costs £20bn each year. The Highways Agency promises to do better.
March
The Government rejects allegations that mobile phone cameras, smoking-in-the-cab cameras and talking-to-passenger cameras are a revenue-raising ruse.
April
In a desperate attempt to recruit drivers, the Road Haulage Association pulls out all the stops and launches a television series called Truck Idol:The challenge is to find at least one new driver this year.
Fast Eddie's goes nationwide.
May
The TV launch of the FTA's Trucking Academy is a major summer success. intrepid traveller Afghan 011ie was last seen heading for I'm a trucker— get me out of here.
June
At long last,Transport Secretary Alastair Darling appoints a transport czar. He will leap into action as soon as he learns to speak English and passes his driving test. At last, things are looking up.
July
Supermarket chiefs are overwhelmed to be chosen to spearhead the Government's anti-congestion campaign. Monday through to Friday the massively under-used supermarket fleets will be restricted to night-time operation only. Unwilling drivers will find ample opportunity in the general sector.
August
Allegations are swiftly denied that top traffic commissioner Philip Brown has been moonlighting as Eamon Holmes, the popular breakfast TV presenter.
Alastair Darling promises to reveal his solution to our industry's parking problem next month.
September
It is proposed Britain will abandon the drivers' hours regulations due to lack of parkin facilities.Alastair Darling has stated:"As there are no parking facilities, drivers might as well jus keep right on to the end of the road." Some ask:"What's new?"
October
The Highways Agency proudly reveals it has exceeded its target: traffic congestion is now likely to cost £30bn this year. Catering sensation Fast Eddie's wins a coveted Michelin star.
November
With smoking banned, campaigners turn their attention to duly, smelly lorries. Christmas is expected to he cancelled as the shelves are empty. A requiremen that illegal immigrants join the road haulage industry leads to a halt in illegal immigration.
December
Another year draws to a close. Who has gone? Who is still here? Who is stacking shelves at Tesco instead of filling them? Were you the weakest link'? Goodbye!.