By our Northern Correspondent
Page 20
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Eric Strongitharrn, Oswaldtwistle.
Sir Jos Spagthorpe, chairman and president for life of Spagthorpe Motor Company, has his own solution to the fuel prices crisis. Some years ago, acting on Sir Jos's orders, works engineer Henry Sucksqueeze converted a Spagthorpe Behemoth (pictured). Now Sir Jos plans to lead a convoy south and "ram the gates of Parliament and bring these workshy government lefties to their knees".
Sir Jos decries previous attempts at ending the hikes: "What's the point of bloody well standing round in Parliament Square shouting and looking miserable? Nobody's bloody listening!" Sir Jos advocates an "open shooting" policy, explaining: "I've been reading some great writers recently... Stalin, Mao Tse Tung, Pol Pot—that's the way forward!" The great man harks back to the British Empire and "our glorious victories won against the fuzzy-wuzzies, the short-andcurlies and the telly tubbies... machine guns versus threateningly shaped sticks. That's tactical genius. That's what the government won't expect!"
The Behemoth has been in action before: "Oh yes, we always use it on our trips to Glasgow and we used it once at a charity football match against the Jebediah Flytip Celebrity Eleven."
The score was o-ci after 89 minutes. "It were like watching prison football," says Sir Jos. "Very nasty. I told Sucksqueeze to use t'Behemoth's machine gun and bring down our lead striker. Our team seem' him bleeding in penalty area shouts for t'penalty. Ref doesn't know what to do. Assassinations of pacy centre forwards aren't in rule book! s-o!"
And the striker? "Eh, 'e were cut to pieces, lad—but -o !!"