Political Commentary By JANUS
Page 39
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Party Piece
M
66 Y Christmas pint has been well and truly earned," said Maggie's brother Cromwell, ordering the same again. "1 have spent 6+ hours solid listening to other people, and not able to get a word in edgeways." That must have been a new experience for you," said Maggie. 'Where have you been all the evening? You told me you were going to Westminster."
"You may perhaps say I have been officiating at a party," said Cromwell. "Mind you, it was in a good cause. On the whole, I must say this little function went reasonably well. There were some rather rough games, and a few of the guests were inclined to be quarrelsome. They stuck out their tongues and pelted each other with ice-cream. But they made it up in the end and all trooped out together. There was no sulking in opposite lobbies."
"Was it a proper Christmas party?" I asked. "Did they have a tree?"
"The most resplendent you have ever seen," Cromwell replied, "and laden with gifts carrying such price tags as 1400m. and £600m. The recipients 'could feel they were being given something much better than they would be likely to get even from Santa Claus or the Three Wise Men of the East."
"Some people arc lucky,said Maggie. "Nobody has ever .thought of making me a present like that."
"The same idea may have crossed the mind of some of the people at the party," said Cromwell. " But if so they kept it to themselves. They even applauded when it was explained that the gifts were for the destitute and deserving poor in the Ivory Tower Institution in the Marylebone Road."
Began With Forfeits "What did they find to do at the party? " asked Maggie. " All the usual things," said Cromwell. ." They began with forfeits. Mr. Harold Watkinson had to sketch the financial prospects of the British Transport Commission for the next 10 years without suggesting payment of a subsidy. They were allowed to heckle him (which they did) and to say that he was cheating (but only in the political sense, of course). And when he had finished, all he got for his pains was a chorus of disbelief."
'What was the food like?" I asked.
" A protracted meal but not very satisfying," Cromwell replied. "On the other hand, there were some magnificent Christmas crackers, each one with a motto of guaranteed vintage. I picked up this one, dropped by Mr. G. Lindgren: ' I remember on one occasion in St. Pancras meeting a woman whom I knew and saying: "Hello, Esther, is your husband working?" She replied: "Yes, he has just had a job on the North London." I said: "That's good." She replied: "Yes, it's starvation but it's regular" '."
"1 have often wondered where that joke first began," I said. "I should not have thought Mr. Lindgren as all that old.. I suppose when they were not eating they played games."
"All the usual ones,said Cromwell. "They ftirmed up in two teams, one on each side of the room, and took turns. They were particularly good at Consequences."
"They probably get plenty of practice at it," said Maggie,
"Mr. Ernest Davies and Mr. Lindgren played that game especially well," said Cromwell. "Ernest said: 'It is necessary, in my view, to find a way of. dividing the traffic between the different forms of transport so that it follows
the most economic route.' George said: 'The railways will not have the necessary amount of traffic unless the operations of C-licence holders are restricted,' I am net quite sure what the world said."
"To the extent that the wOrld is represented by the Federation of British Industries," I suggested, " it said-that the Labour Party, when they are discussing the ownership of transport, merely use the first argument that comes to hand."
"And the consequence was," said Maggie, " that the railways lived happily ever after, whatever .happened to anybody else."
"That seemed to be the way it looked from one side,
said Cromwell. Mr. G. R. H. Nugent said: The great tradition of British engineers pioneering the railways in the lastcentury gives confidence that again, in the second half of the 20th century, they will find the answers to the perplexing problems that now confront the railways.' Which is more or less what you said."
"From the other side, the consequence IS bound to be renationalization," I said, "whatever the preamble. They should really play the game the opposite way round. It reminds me of a rather different game of consequences played all on his own at another party by a Mr. E. R. L. Fitzpayne, who is general manager of Glasgow Transport Department."
Good Luck To Them "I heard about that," said Cromwell. "It was something to the effect that the children met the old-age pensioners: they both said they were getting cheap fares; the world said, 'Good luck to them '; but the consequence was that the main burden of passenger transport costs was being met by people between 16 and 65 years old. I. made a note of his exact words: 'With increasing prosperity this group between 16 and 65 consists of the very people who are deserting public transport for private cars, and making it increasingly difficult to obtain sufficient revenue to meet increased costs.'
" Mr. Fitzpayne is merely preaching equality for all." I said. "He is trying to sell seats in his buses and trams, and, after all, the price you put on an article is not usually governed by the age of the customer, except as a gesture' of goodwill, which people cannot afford in hard times."
" The bus people should discover how to make their service pay without taking it out of the kids and the old folk," said Maggie.
There are difficulties," 1 said. "I had in mind a different set of consequences from the example that Cromwell has just given. The meeting to which Mr. Fitzpayne referred was between the bus companies and the unions, and it took place before the Industrial Disputes Tribunal. One side wanted more money than the other side were prepared to pay. The Tribunal said there ought to be a 7s. a week increase for provincial busmen."
" And this award was later extended to Municipal bus workers, which is where Mr. Fitzpayne comes in," Cromwell added.
"The world said: Any increase in fares and I walk,' " continued. "The consequences, as Mr. Fitzpayne pointed out, are likely to be drastic cuts in bus services, and less employment for drivers and conductors."
"It is a problem," said Cromwell. "Perhaps Mr. Fitzpayne should have gone along to the party I have just left, and suggested that there ought to be a present for him on the Christmas tree."