The War Department' s Competition.
Page 19
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Tales of "Trying Tractors " : From the Diary of Trier.
First day.—Saw three competing jiggers, found they had been christened : Ill, The Potatoe Can ; (2i, The Yellow Peril; (3) Creeping jinny, -alias The Beetle, alias The Gadget. Met a man who came from Glasgic ; called him Sammy. He stood it for some hours, and then turned on me with : "Hoots mcn, yon's no ma name, A'am Sandy."
Second day.--Found Sandy had a mate known as "The Smiler." Doubtless the fact of his belonging to the Yellow Peril was responsible for the facial slip. Heard the latest song " Wed no tak' yon thing back to Bonnie Scotland." Wearie Willie .discovered under The Beetle explaining 'that the big-end bearing was bad, 'orrid bad, oh, rotten !"
Third day.—Pulled through.
Fourth day.—Happened on a fresh lot. Tired Tim decided that " the game gave him the pip." He got much consolation. "Never mini that, cocky," said the knowing one, you'll get the sack when you get 'ome."
Fifth day.—Told by the Mighty Atom that "'E don't 'old wif 'orses; hist they wags their 'cads, then they wags their tails, and ye don't know which end ter believe." Wearie Willie on The Beetle asked to fill up the tanks with paraffin, but evidently had other views on the subject as he held forth : "It seems ter use they're goin' to overwork the free 'orse. Them as comes last and goes lust gets on the best. There's that bloke," pointing to The Ferret, "goin' fur 'is tea, and I ain't 'ad my breakfast yet."
Sixth day.—Sandy says they had a "meryillout •day." They skidded up the hills, and slithered down the backsides. Wearie Willie tried to let the boiling water out of jirmy, and sat on the Fire Devil in the attempt. Was worried because, as lie rightly says: "'Is boots won't stay wif 'im long ; 'is trousers
it burnt, and muyver dot know where to send 'Mt another pair."
Seventh day.—The Silent One and the Potatoe Can quite unapproachable, not to say dangerous. Those flats must have upset him ; most avoid him in future. Even our George seems to have mislaid the smile which was childlike and bland.
Eighth day.—Asked Sandy why the change-speed was so knocked about, looking as if he had made it so himself, He brought an instrument out of a pocket and informed me : "Yon's a guid spanner—the best thing on this lorry." A pinchbar was then produced, and with its help and that of the spanner violent efforts were made to move the changespeed lever. Further explanation by 'rapely "And that's how you wee spigget gets knocked about."
Decided that spanner was a wonder fill tool; should have a much grander name than merely "spanner." Would suggest choice between "Every Man his Own Mechanic" and "The Fitter out Fitted." 'That spanner not only wane, but hammers, drives screws, chisels a hit, and does all sorts of odd jobs about the place.
Ninth day.--Pulled through.
Tenth day.—Sandy very much upset. " Eh, man, but the lurry's no bin
drown'd ; wed ha' to tab' you back to Scotland. Ann thinkin' the Government ought to buy yon lurry as an act o' punishment, and it 'ud do ta wake the soldiers in the mornin', too."
Eleventh day.—After most exhaustive inquiries, have discovered that sheep will do one mile an hour when left alone, or will do two when "pushed." Shall back the sheep against The Gadget for the flying mile.