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Following the industry's stars
Page 24
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A ad now for A ad now for something different — welcome to Old Hawk's Almanac, This week the Hawk is indebted to a West Country-based haulier for supplying a blow-by-blow account of the year ahead, including a predicted April election bringing the Government in the fast lane; a new trade association that is all wind, and the introduction of a tamper-proof tachograph disc. Any further suggestions by crystal-ball gazers are welcomed — the Hawk will send £5 gift vouchers for the best.
JANUARY: Tis the bleak mid-winter — another year has begun. A bleak past, a bleak future and punished for our sins. The EC is waiting for us to join in, with more rules and regulations.
FEBRUARY: Department of Transport starts to employ and train 5,000 speed limiter inspectors. Truck manufacturers desperate: big discounts, holidays and two-trucks-for-the-price-ofone deals available. Heavy snowfalls cause chaos again. MARCH: Budget month. The Chancellor, in a vote-winning exercise, hammers the road haulage industry. Promises early weight increase as compensation. First reports of structural damage on Dartford bridge — trucks blamed. Tamper-proof tacho promised by end of year. APRIL: Election month. Labour's John Prescott takes over at Dip and immediately raises motorway speed limit to 110mph. Early weight increase promised. British Grand Prix truck racing team voted ''Haulier of the Year".
MAY: Well-known freight forwarder IOU collapses owing thousands. Owner Honest John, interviewed climbing into his copter, says: "It's tragic. I'm devastated. AU those poor hauliers — but I am the one suffering." Government spokesman refuses to comment.
JUNE: New freight forwarder UOI opens, offering sensational deals for hauliers. Owner John Honest says: "I'm your man, trust me," as he climbs from his helicopter. Hauliers lay siege to his office begging for work. Government spokesman claims credit for the new company.
JULY: Millionth unemployed person passes HGV driving test. Total number of unemployed drivers, 1,000,001. Likely amalgamation of the Freight Transport Association and Road Haulage Association discussed. Spanish hauliers strike again, British hauliers caught out again.
AUGUST: Hauliers throughout the EC campaign against limiter legislation. EC ministers, except the Brits, discard legislation as unnecessary and unworkable. DTp employs 5,000 more limiter inspectors.
SEPTEMBER: After a good harvest French farmers celebrate by attacking British lamb lorries. Driver Big Bert says: We are now on first-name terms with the attackers and consider this an annual festival." Well-known supermarket chain opens truckstop with hotel for queuing drivers. OCTOBER: At long last the FTA and the RHA join forces. A stronger voice with more members is promised from this new group. To be known as Freight and Road Transport Association — Farta for short — and heard throughout the land. Early reports reach CM's office of an agency driver doing it right.
NOVEMBER: First tamper-proof tacho introduced, driver's schedule revealed.
06:00hrs — new card inserted in new tacho. 10:30hrs — official break begins.
10:31hrs — driver bored; investigates tacho.
10:32hrs — everything back to normal; vehicle moves off.
DECEMBER: Commercial Motor reports another record breaking year: record bankruptcies, record legislation and record number of disheartened people.