Said Nothing But . .
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46 0 Christmas, 1955, finds British Road Services still running," said Maggie's brother Cromwell. "Like Charley's Aunt. A good show, or so I am told. Perhaps we ought to go along and see it." "For my money," said Maggie, "I would just as soon KT something that has no connection of any kind with road transport, nationalized or otherwise." "That is not as easy as you may think," I said. "Apart from all the topical allusions at this time of the year, the subject will keep breaking in."
"With these elaborate shows in town you always run up against that problem," said Maggie. 'They try to be too clever and up-to-date. If I have to visit one at all, I prefer the pantomime at the local theatre. This year it is ' Aladdin,' and I defy anybody to make that into a road transport saga."
"Well you know,"I said, "there is a character called the Slave of the Ring,.and if that is not a direct allusion to the Tyre Manufacturers'-Conference, I am the chairman of the Monopolies Commission."
"Who, of course, is the Slave of the Lamp," said Crorn well.
"Throwing light on dark secrets, I suppose." said Maggie. " And the Wicked Uncle who started it all "Be very careful what you say," said Cromwell, "or we shall be back to the subject of politics,"
" We are practically there .already," I said. "In fact, the Wicked Uncle is the Minister of Transport, and Aladdin is the independent haulier. Just as his beautiful palace is on the point of completion, the Wicked Uncle spirits it away out of reach."
" There is no getting away from it," said Cromwell. "At the place along the road they are using a story based on Alice and the Looking-glass. At once you conic to the problem of Tweedledum and Tweedledee, who as everybody knows can only be the British Transport Commission and the Disposal Board."
" That is a pure invention," said Maggie. "There is nothing in the book to justify it."
" Surely you know your Carroll better than that," said Cromwell. 'What about the little poem they recite to Alice?" . .
" If you mean ' The Walrus and the Carpenter,'" said Maggie, "I am sure that it contains not one reference to road transport, the sale of vehicles, or anything else of the kind." ..
" Perhaps You do not remember the whole of the poern," said Cromwell. "Let me just refresh your memory of how it begins.
Sir Malcolm and Boyd-Carpenter Were walking in the Square; They wept like anything to Fce The cars assembled there; 'Now tell me, said Boyd:Carpenter, ' What figure would be fair?' " "Although it does not exactly make sense, it certainly sounds right," said Maggie doubtfully, "or have you
altered the 'words a bit? How doe,,i it go on?"
If seven thousand Vehicles ' And seven hundred more Plus fifty,' said Sir Malcolm. ' are Enough, that is my' score.' ' Exactly, said Boyd-Carpenter. 'What I was hoping for.'" " Thus the main subject of disposal is brought in,"
I said, "after which it is all plain horse-dealing.
. " But the oysters come into it somewhere," said Maggie. " You cannot-get away from the oysters. '0 oysters, come and walk with us.' I remember that bit quite vividly."
" You have not got itexactly right," said Cromwell.
0 hauliers come and talk with us,' ' Sir Malcolm did suggest. A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk.' And then, .perhaps in jest, I-1e asked abouz the kind of trans port unit they thought best."
"The sense is more and more different," said Maggie, "but the words are more and more the same."
"That is fair criticism," I said. " Plus ca change,. plus c'est la mettle chose."
" Exactly," said Cromwell. " It might be tedious to go through the whole poem, and you can always look it up., But here is a stanza you ought -to remember. The time has come,' Sir Malcolm said, To sell the blinking lot. Let's fill list 5.4 chock-a-block With everything we've got. Perhark we'll have a lot of bids And then perhaps we'll not.' " "I shall certainly remember it now I have heard it," said Maggie, "hut it does not appear to be the language of Lewis Carroll."
" Nor does it appear to be the language of the chairman of the Disposal Board," I said. " I think Cromwell made that one up."
" If you still do not believe me, listen to the bit that comes next," Cromwell said.
But wait a bit;" the hauliers cried, ' Before we make our hid; For some of us are short of cash And down to our last quid.' ' No burry,' said Boyd-Carpenter (At least, they thought he did)." • "Now it begins to come back to me," said Maggie.
"They make a hearty meal of the poor hauliers who had come out on the spree, at the same time expressing profound regret at the decision. I distinctly remember the expressions of regret, so yoti must not disappoint me."
"There is certainly a reference or two to that effect," said Cromwell. "Towards the end of the poem we have this. It seems a shame,' Sir Malcolm said, ' To bring about this crisis, After we've made them buy so much At such fantastic prices.' Boyd-Carpenter said nothing hut Sir Anthony's advice is—' "We all know for think we know) what Sir Anthony's advice was," Cromwell continued. ",But according to the poet, Sir.Malcolm goes on sympathizing with the prospective purchasers, most of whom in any case have gone away. " I weep for you,' Sir Malcolm said, I feel .profoundly glum.' Boyd-Carpenter said nothing but Do me another sum: If that's he best that you can do. I wish I hadn't come.' " "Oh well!" said Maggie. " On the whole I thinkT
also would wish I hadn't come if I. had to listen to all that and pay. for it: . I will settle -for Cinderella.'"
" You are qnite right," said -Cromwell, "not to neglect the passenger side-of the industry. Be sure to enjoy the scene where the Fairy Licensing Authority turns a pumpkin into a public service vehicle for 4 special occasion."
It looks On the whole as .though we shall be staying
at home over Christmas: