topic Hast thou
Page 31
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slain the juggernaut?
"LAST NIGHT I was talking to one of Sir Desmond Plummer's backroom boys in the GLC," said Maggie's brother Cromwell. "He told me that the congestion which annoyed the Prime Minister was caused by the cars of angry constituents queueing up to see their MPs about the scandal of the heavy lorry."
"It was something of a coincidence," I said, "that the exceptional delay should take place on the same day as the juggernaut debate in the House of Commons."
"Miss Virgo, our environment teacher, was one of the people who went up to London," said Charlotte.
"In addition, she gave them the afternoon off for the occasion," said Maggie. "It caused more than a little congestion here at home."
"She is. just the sort of person who is likely to have put the finger on Father Christmas,said Cromwell. "I understand they are keeping a sharp look-out for him at all the ports this year. The suspicion is that he will try to enter without a permit as well as with a grossly overloaded vehicle."
"Old Chastity would not do a thing like that." said Charlotte. "She even wrote the Christmas play for us this year."
"No credit to her for that," said Maggie. "It was impossible to follow. The programme called it an experiment in total theatre. If that is the case, I prefer my theatre in fragments."
"On the other hand there was something for everybody," I said. "It was a mixture of nativity plays, pantomime, the mummers play and Jesus Christ Superstar. There was even audience participation. They took a collection on behalf of the destitute villagers of Bridge, and I understand that made us the retinue of the Three Wise Men bearing gifts."
"But they had the Three Wise Men on the stage," Maggie objected. "They represented the AA, the RAC and the Civic Trust."
"Now I remember," I said. "There was also the star in the East., which beckoned them along the appropriate advisory route."
"That was a mistake on the part of Miss Virago,said Cromwell. "She should have arranged that the Three Wise Men and their cargo went by train."
"I think there was a railway strike at the time," said Maggie. "There were some pickets having a nap before their shift and then getting instructions from the shop steward."
"Surely not." I said. "They were the nature lovers of Neasden keeping up a 24-hour protest against the new ring road."
"You are all talking nonsense," said Charlotte, "You know well enough that they were our lollipop men. They were in their white overalls, playing the part of the shepherds who watched their flocks." "I begin to understand it," said Maggie. "You played the part of the angel who came to tell them the good news."
"No doubt she said they could break it up because the kids had the afternoon off," said Cromwell.
"It could well have been that," said Maggie. "There was a scene shortly afterward showing the very little children playing games with their bows and arrows."
"I suppose Uncle is going to say that was the army at Dover keeping a watch for Santu Claus," said Charlotte.
Make love, not lorries "Nothing could be farther from my mind," said Cromwell. "They must have been intended as cupids, representing the Back to Nature League. They should have been carrying banners with the League's slogan 'Make Love not Lorries'. I would hazard a guess that they doubled up for the massacre of the innocents. Because it does not need a genius to realize who — or rather what — was cast for the part of Herod."
"You must have been reading the programme," said Maggie.
"Just a little exercise in deduction," said Cromwell. "What other object could be chosen to represent the villain and the destroyer?"
"It helped to get some action into the story," I said, "as soon as the fairy Decibel brought a warning of the approach of the dragon Juggernaut, which shortly afterwards entered breathing fire and smoke."
"Very likely," said Cromwell, "the flight into Egypt had to be cancelled owing to fog at Heathrow, or perhaps a hi-jacking."
"Much more dramatic than that," I said. "From the other side in came St George the Juggernaut slayer, made up to look like John Peyton and dressed in a Union Jack."
"No wonder I was confused," said Maggie. "I thought it was Joseph and his Technicolor coat. Now I understand why there were boos every time somebody mentioned the Common Market."
"It must have been a rousing performance," said Cromwell. "I do hope there was a happy ending. It would have made a nice epilogue if the civilized Juggernaut was brought on the stage by the tiniest tot of all, with a garland of flowers round its neck and St George's coat and trousers impaled on its horns."
"How can you talk about it when you were not even there?" Charlotte protested.
"Neither was I at the first night of Hamlet," said Cromwell. "It was the day Spurs played Arsenal. But there are people who know the play better than the audience which did go. In fact, some of them seem to know more about it than the author."
by Janus