1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
33
34
35
36
37
38
39
40
41
42
43
44
45
46
47
48
49
50
51
52
53
54
55
56
57
58
59
60
61
62
63
64
65
66
67
68
69
70
71
72
73
74
75
76
77
78
79
80
81
82
83
84
85
86
87
88
89
90
91
92
93
94
95
96
97
98
99
100
101
102
103
104
105
106
107
108
109
110
111
112
113
114
115
116
117
118
119
120
121
122
123
124
125
126
127
128
129
130
131
132
133
134
135
136
137
138
139
140
141
142
143
144
145
146
147
148
149
150
151
152 
By our Northern Correspondent
Page 22
If you've noticed an error in this article please click here to report it so we can fix it.
Eric Strongitharm, Oswaldtwistle.
The Spagthorpe Motor Company has been hit by claims in The Osivaldtwistle Procrastinator that workers have been chained, and, on one unfortunate occasion, stapled, to their workstations to prevent absenteeism during England's first two World Cup games in their bid to win the Jules Rimet trophy. "Certain methods were agreed by the board to make sure that we stayed ahead of the competition," says Chairman and President for Life Sir Jos Spagthorpe. "It's nothing new here. Even at Christmas and Easter the men are... reminded quietly of their responsibilities."
As our exclusive photograph shows the canteen at the Spagthorpe depot was packed full for the morning game against Nigeria as Sir Jos tried to make amends.
The great man—an ardent admirer of the Queen, and regional chairman of the Capitalist Despots Association—demanded that all assembly line workers should report for work wearing the official England team blazer with appropriate Cross of St George face paint. The ladies of the canteen and typing pool were allowed to wear what they chose as Sir Jos felt that "they know nowt about the game and probably thought the Africans could run us close even though we always beat them in battles".
When reminded that instead of British machine guns against African spears (and indeed the massacre of British tommies by spear carrying Zulus at Isandlwana on 22 January 1879) it would be II men against ri men and one ball Sir Jos turned pale. He then immediately called for the "emergency urns".
Clearly seen at the head of each table they form part of Sir Jos's renowned "Great Englishmen celebrity urn collection".
The urns contain the remains of Ena Sharpies (some mistake surely? Ed), Professor Stanley Unvvin and Alistair Crowley.
"Got 'em from Ricky Ragpuffin down market," says Sir Jos. "I saw the names on the urn when I bought them but I rubbed the felt tip off as it looked too tacky. They'll inspire t'lads to further glory though, never you fear."