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HEAVE ABOVE!

1st January 2004, Page 48
1st January 2004
Page 48
Page 49
Page 48, 1st January 2004 — HEAVE ABOVE!
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Which of the following most accurately describes the problem?

Keywords : Human Interest

Guru and desert-dwelling mystic Oliver Dixon has agreed to divert a little of his meditation time (usually 15 minutes in a lay-by) to study his planisphere and share with us all what the constellations have in store for road transport

— and you — in 2004.

Aries

Independent ,assertive and irnpulsive.And your sign is a sheep. What a barrel of fun. Your birthstone is a diamond, sug gesting expensive tastes. And if your tastes are expensive, what on earth are you doing in road transport? The stars herald a career change for you. Something with monetary rewards. Consultancy, perhaps, or maybe even the judiciary, Wait a minute — independent, assertive magistrates — nasty. No, on second thoughts, crime seems to be the answer. But nice crime; the white-collar sort you can take home to meet your mum. If it works, let me know.

Taurus

The Bull.Your feet are planted firmly on the ground, but you don't like change. With an emerald birthstone, you're a tad less high maintenance than the sheep. but still a fiscal nightmare.The no-nonsense attitude of the Taurean is entirely at odds in an industry where the truth is frequently further out there than the fiction, so, again, road transport is a no-go area. Give it up.You don't like change, you don't like giving change. Get a job working in a pay and display car park.The path to enlightenment is multi-story

Gemini

Twins. Fantasies. You're dexterous. Splendid.And a moonstone as a birth sign.Way-hey —jewellery from Ratner& Appears to be superficial. Like! care. Quick thinking, witty and clever. Whatever — let's return to the dexterity. (Do you come here often?) You can play the VAT man off against the fuel company, roll a cigarette while changing gear— these are good things. But quick thinking, witty and clever. Too smart for your own good.The stars predict many hours explaining things to finance directors.And lawyers. And, ultimately, magistrates.

Cancer

Crabs. Bugger those twins. Oh, Crab. Whatever you say. Emotional, moody, clingy. My dear, what are you like?This creative streak is just not on. It's so passé, you know.Today's transport industry is a science, a system, a chain.And you want to get in touch with your emotions; you want to explore the other truths. You want to get a hobby. that's what you want to get. You might want to start leaving those non-prescription drugs alone as well.The stars are a bit cloudy in your part of the sky, and so I'll check my tealeaves instead. These foretell leaving the next pot to brew another minute and buying some more milk at the earliest opportunity.

Leo

Lion. Generous, warmhearted, faithful and loving. At the same time, you're pompous, patronising, dogmatic and intolerant.Talk about multi-faceted. Or schizophrenic. Your birthstone is Peridot. I thought he was a detective. Just goes to show. PDQ,CV to VOSA ASAP. that's my advice to you. Your siren call generous,warm-hearted, faithful and loving will get you invites from operators the length and breadth of your patch for voluntary inspections.Your darker sidepompous. patronising, dogmatic and intolerant will make you a number of friends in the rail-freight industry.

Virgo.

Virgos are modest and shy, meticulous, reliable and perfectionist.And,I'd add, hell on earth to live with.Virgos are people with legible handwriting and a balanced chequebook.They always clean the back of their teeth first. How do I know this? Because they spend their lives with their heads so far up their own backsides that their upper lip becomes an eyebrow. And what does 2004 hold for you, Mr and Mrs Perfect? Just the same as every year showing the rest of us up. "Of course officer,! check my wheel nuts every day and twice on a Sunday. And when I get stuck in a lift,! get my fellow captives to sing cheerful songs in order to keep our spirits up." What you're doing in transport I cannot think.You belong in a cornflakes packet.

Libra

You Librans you make me laugh. Diplomatic and urbane, but indecisive and gullible. Strange isn't it. Every other bit of humanity from the dawn of time -has been born under a sign represented by an animate object goat, sheep, crab and the like. You you're represented by a kitchen implement, and not a particularly glamorous kitchen implement at that. If it were me, I'd sue, but you just can't make your mind up. "What shall it be this year, dear litigation or the Algarve?" Decisions, decisions. How do you get on in restaurants with menus? Or. dealerships with menu servicing? It must be terrible.This year, resolve to be resolute. Stop taking it sideways from all and sundry.but. if you can't go all the way in the next twelve months, at least stop smiling about it.You know you're being had, we can see your leg being lifted. Fight back. Or get into catering.

Scorpio

Represented by the Scorpion, a sort of Crab from hell. Scorpios are jealous and secretive and remind me of my accountant. If this is in fact the case,! predict a number of good things for you this year. I will get my paperwork to you on time, and it will be in some sort of order. I will answer the 'phone when you call, and I will pay your bill.Yes, and I have filled out that form you wanted me to deal with, and I have used my best handwriting. Now I'm worried that people will think I'm a Virgoan. I'm not. Please will you now let go of my leg, and let me see my tax return. For the rest of you Scorpios, it's entirely possible that you will have a splendid time over the next twelve months. But when you've got a pessimist as an astrologer, what do you expect?

Sagittarius

Enthusiastic, optimistic and spontaneous,jovial and goodnatured. But, at the same time, tactless and restless, irresponsible and superficial.These are all qualities, but for the life of me, I cannot see how anyone over the age of six can be an optimist. Have you seen who's Prime Minister? Have you never heard of George Bush? Have you never eaten at a Harvester? Optimism that's a fool's game. This year, be guided by me. Look for the worst in people. You won't be disappointed. Character assassination is so much more fun than unstinting praise.That we leave to Public Relations types who have an industry-wide plea bargain with the Almighty. Optimism is the slippery slope. You may believe that you'll get paid, that things will work and that you have, in fact, merely allowed the keys to your house to slip down the side of your car seat, as opposed to leaving them in a dubious waterfront bar in Macau. Assume the worst.

Capricorn

Capricoms are practical. prudent, disciplined and reserved.They're also pessimistic and fatalistic. And they're represented by the Goat.They also happen to sign off Commercial Motor's invoices. such. I'm not going to mince my words. Fl much better can it get? You are respecte■ revered and held in an ear poppingly hig regard. Please sign here.You are a beaco of decency in an otherwise sordid world. And there.Wise, farsighted were the wl world Capricorn, what a place it'd be.Aii finally, there.And as for the goat it's an animal. Next year. I'd advise steering cle Watford, or, if that proves tricky, at least your bleats and lower your tail, but failin that, you'll be farting through silk for thc whole twelve months. Straight up. Can 1 some money now?

Aquarius

Aquarians are friendly, honest, loyal, perverse and unpredictable.They are also original and inventive and have musicals composed about them. Is a good thing?! don't know-depends if like to sing or not.The jug is either half-1 half-empty, but either way up, knocking results in a wet tablecloth. As a wise ma said. But this singing thing bothers the c authorities as well as me. Knock it on th head.At least in public. You see 2004 m mark the dawning of the age of the retu Michael Barrymore. He does people w. Or was that swim. You could get caughl in the crossfire, and that could be mess) might pop out for a bag of plain flour, a: yourself duetting with some half-life in Thurrock shopping mall.This would bc recommend caution and whistling.

Pisces

Imaginative,sensitive, unworldly, secretive and vague, and represented by a fish.What is a fish doing in road transport? But why not? Are we not a place that welcomes dive Maybe I'm confusing the haulage indt with Milton Keynes. It's cloudy out du The heavens, I mean, as opposed to To Pisceans will find their imaginative gr. coming to the fore in '04, round about mencement of the spreadsheet season thousands of Virgoans armed with Ex the unwary in the pursuit of someone to. Be wary. 0 Piscean,for the chair in the FD's desk is truly the abode of the Imagining that you can argue against1 futile. As is resistance. Opt for vaguen lowed by a family crisis and flee.


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