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NEWS from theN ORTH!
Page 22
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By our Northern Correspondent, Eric Strongitharm, Osvvaldtwistle.
Controversy stalks the mean streets of Oswaldtwistle today like some sort of malevolent tiger accidentally released from a zoo having not been fed for a considerable amount of time arid now prowling, famished and desperate.
Fury erupted when the town council made public its decision to abandon the age-old practice of cobbling the streets. Instead, a new substance, Tarmac, is to be used to pave the highways and byways of Lancashire's glittering Pennine jewel, which won second prize in the 'Best kept conurbation' (Decaying Mill Towns section) Competition as recently as 1899. Resident and chair of the town's preservation committee, Herimone Spickanspan, says she's outraged by the council's move. Speaking from her i6th Century thatched cottage in the nearby village of Primley Green, she says: "It's the sort of thing one expects from the socialists. Fancy tearing up years of heritage in order that the lower classes might get to work more quickly!
However, Councillor Fred Ribbledale, chair of the council's public works committee, has responded angrily: "Not that bloody woman again! If she's not mitherin' on about "making the streets better for everyone" then she's on about the state of t'anging baskets ont' Town Hall or the number of petunias int floral clock. I'll tell you summat for nowt—if she complains one more time about blasted cobbles I'll not be responsible for me actions."
Also supporting the project is Spagthorpe Chairman and President for Life Sir Jos Spagthorpe. "Eee-oop young Strongitharm," he said, "Layin' blackstuff is ney problem wi' our latest Tarantula eightlegged Cobbles is out of place in modern industrial centre like Oswadldtwistle—just like paid holiday and teabreaks. You mark my word, one day smooth Tarmac roads'll criss-cross the country...mebbe even as far as Samlesbury Bottoms and Haslingden Grane!
FLASH OswaldtwistIe police (Special Constable Cobblepot) are seeking miscreants who re-arranged the petunias round Priniley Green's floral clock so instead of reading "Welcome to Primley" they now spell out "Cobbles? My a*rse."