THE COMPLEAT TAXI DRIVER.
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Some Experiences in a Country Town. The Humours of a Job Carried on Under Few Regulations.
By Kevin Mercer.
AFRIEND of mine once bet me 50 pounds that 1 could noL earn my living for a year as a taxi driver. Being more than usually hard up, I accepted his offer, and proceeded forthwith to Scotland Yard to acquaint myself with the necessary formalities.
Here, an inspector told me I should have to pass a driving and knowledge-of-London test ; the former presented no difficulty, but the latter was a question of time, and, as I wanted that 50 pounds :badly, I took the inspector's advice and went to seek my fortune in a provincial town, where they do not take these things so seriously, and eventually I fetched up in Dulchester, renowned the world over kr the mildness ofeits climate and the strength of its in orals.
After some little time, I found a garage proprietor wise enough to recognize my undoubted merit, and 1 was engaged to work a 12hour day, ,my ear to be washed and cleaned. I discov46red later that the washing depended largely on how much you tipped the washer, who was a Welsh Jew from Belfast!
My hours were 8 a.m. to 8 p.m., except Thursday afternoon, which I had "off." The pay was 25s. a week and tips.
Raving signed on, I was given a Standard landaulet and sent off for my police test, which consisted of driving past a police sergeant (who confessed he knew nothing of cars or driving), and then turning once in A street about half as wide again as Regent Street. Having emerged successfully from this gruelling ordeal I was given a metal number plate and became
a fully fledged taxi driver. .
c38 ing " out its last days, accompanied by much clanking and many halts by the wayside. Downhill it was not too bad, but a strong headwind rendered it almost immovable, and anything in the shape of an incline caused it to boil so badly that, on one occasion, the driver was informed by an irate passenger that all the hot baths he required he could get at his hotel! Then we had a J,ittle Flanders, into which three people could squeeze at a pinch, a Delaunay eabriolet, a SiddeleyDeasy landaulet, slow and very stately, and last, but not least, a chain-driven Daimler two-seater ! Verily it was a case of "On with the motley! "
My own car having just been purchased from a private owner, was in good condition. She was painted mauve and encrusted, one might say, with brass ; being frightfully overbodied, she was intensely and painfully slow, but she meant well, and was considered the star turn in looks—an asset not to be despised, as the rule of taking the first car on the rank was unheard of in our go-ahead town. The passenger picked and chose. One pouring wet day I saw some visitors from London, unaware that they could choose their taxi, gingerly and with obvious reluctance seat themselves in the first car on the rank, which was a tourer. Finding that the hood did not work, they sat huddled together under an umbrella, which, we heard afterwards, blew inside out after the first mile. The hood of a landaulet leaked to such an extent at a wedding one day that the two guests who had hired it were obliged to sit on the floor with their umbrellas over their heads. One of the Fords " kicked " so badly that its driver, a diminutive youth rejoicing in the name of " Tich," habitually started it with a rope ! No knowledge of the town or surrounding country was necessary (shades of Scotland Yard !), with the result that when a stranger like myself got a fare a map had to be hurriedly consulted, various helpful —or oth erwise—sugge stione being shouted out along the rank, iind generally the passenger spent most of the journey with his or her head out of the window, bawling out directions.
A mechanical test was nev er imposed by the police, and it was nothing out of the ordinary to see three cars one after another refuse to start; while one ear, nicknamed " The Kangaroo," had such a fierce clutch that, on starting off, it always leapt about 3 ft. in the air, the astonished passengers
being nearly hurled through the front windows, to the unfeigned merriment of the onlookers.
No taximeters were fitted, and few cars had a speedometer, so the distance travelled was merely guesswork, and, in the hands of. an unscrupulous driver, the regulation fare of a shilling a mile became actually as much as could be extorted. I heard one man boast gleefully to an admiring audience that he had charged someone a price that worked out at nearly 3s. a mile, most of which went into his own
pocket. The majority of drivers worked their takings on a basis of "-15s. to a can of petrol for the boss, and anything else I can get is mine." The owners seemed quite content, and I never heard of their prosecuting a driver, who would, anyhow, have been quite safe, as he could always My he had no speedometer, or the one he had wag broken and it would have been impossible to prove his exact takings.
Four cars off the rank were once chosen to do a wedding. I drove the bride, number two the bridegroom, and numbers three and four the wedding guests. Unfortunately, number three had a defective steering, and whenever a right tuin had to be taken had to reverse about six times to get round. Owing to this peculiarity, the arrival of the guests was somewhat delayed, as the church gates were narrow, and
eharp right-hand turn was necessary to clear them. However, after a. great deal .of manoeuvring and much noise' they drew up somewhere near the entrance.
After the reception the second ear was chosen to drive the newly married pair to the station, but, at the last moment, the driver eyas found helplessly and benignly drunk in the back garden. I had driven off with the best man and the luggage, and number three had gone back to the rank, so number four was pressed into service. Now, number four had started the day badly, with a slipping„ clutch which had become worse and worse. However, it was not far to the station and. scenting a good tip, the driver determined to risk it. The bride and bridegroom bundled into the car, the" Good-byes and Good Luck " were renewed, and the driver was told to go ahead.. Easier said than done. In. went the clutch, the engine raced and roared, the noise was deafening, but the car remained. stationary. The geests thought it a good joke, and yelled the usual inane remarks, the pair inside the car trying not to look self-coneeious. More Teeing of the engine ; the car rocked and lurched with the vibration, but remained firmly rooted to the spot. Above the infernal noise could be heard
such witticisms as "Now you're off ! "No, you're not!" "Have to Spend your honeymoon here ! " "Something wroitg with the motor ! " (Why does the non-motorist always say "motor " instead of car I), etc., etc. The bridegroom was nearly purple in the face. The bride, thinking an explosion was coming, endeavoured to descend. Her husband pulled her in. A facetious guest tried to pull her out. At this -propitious moment, when she was almost suspended in mid-air, the car, after a roar that sounded as if it were about to split asunder, managed to shoot forward about two feet, and the bride was almost decapitated.
The driver, looking like Casabianca, was determined to keep going, and, in spite of the warning shouts of the guests and the curses of the husband, jammed down the -accelerator. The bride, with her hat askew and her hair nearly down, was pushed back, and so. with the door flapping idly in the wind, they made. their way with much noise, at about two miles an hour, to the station. When they eventually arrived there, the bride looked as if her husband had been guilty of battery and assault, and, needless to say, they lost the train. The driver did not get. a tip! We did not always have so much excitement. On some days we did not even take a shilling ; on other days we got nothing but station work, but on the who 1.9 the time passed quickly and pleasantly.
saw a different eide to people's characters. Some treated you like dirt ; some were quite decent ; others regarded you as part of the machinery.
The small shopkeepers, who on a fine Sunday would have a two-hour drive and would sometimes hire the ear all day, were by far the most cone. iderate. They looked after you and saw that you got your meals, and treated the driver as a human being. The most thoughtless fares were the young officers from a neighbouring barracks. You would drive them to a dance and receive strict orders to return it 2.30 a.m. sharp—" and mind you're not late!" Eventually they would wander out at about 4.30 a.m.,. want to pack about eight people inside, and make you drive them to their several homes. At each house they would go inside and have a drink, so that it might be 5.30 .a.m. or 6 a.m. before we got to -the barracks. No apology to the driver feekeeping him hanging about, not even a cup of tea to drink, and when it came to paying, how they., cursed and grumbled at the extra charge for waiting! In the end, few of the drivers would take their dance orders.
When my year was up, I was quite sorry to leave. had made some gooclefriends on the rank, and I can. imagine many more unpleasant ways of earning SO pounds. Just over my desk, on a leather strap, hangs a white metal disc. On it you may read: