Home and Out
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I have often envied the "Extractor," and the dashing freedom of his "Home No" . . . .
mean." Out and Home." At the same time there has always been, at the back of my mind, the notion that, did I so wish, or did the opportunity of a few moments leisure from " Sub-Editorial " duties permit, I could emulate, and perhaps improve upon the example set. However, he has been taking a short holiday—one or two "constant readers" may remember the last occasion on which we published a page of his itinerant jottings: the occasion seemed one to which I ought to rise. The first and most obvious method of setting to work seemed to be that of writing O. and II. under his nom-de-plume. I decided against that, however ; your journalist is such an unseeing person when. it comes to envisaging the merits of another man's composition, and besides . . . . but never mind.
Oh, by the way, there is no hidden meaning about my nom-de-plume, I do not pretend for one moment to be able to extinguish your old friend, nor is there any connection between this paragraph and the tailend of the last one—this to stultify those clever ones who can always see a hole where there is a ladder.
• My difficulty in endeavouring to be "bright and breezy" is due to the fact that for many moons, in endeavouring to alleviate the sufferings of petrol-less motorists, I have been investigating the merits of paraffin vaporizers and petrol substitutes, and in. consequence have been amazed at, and much saddened by, the terrible misfortunes which befall my fellow men.
Take the carburetters for paraffin now—two-fuel fittings we call them editorially. There is really only one satisfactory instrument. The maker of it has told me so, several times, and who is to know better than he? Besides, he has tried, and discarded, all the devices which the other chaps use. In order to prove his words this gentleman kindly formulated a test to which, in his opinion, r should subject all such instruments. It was quite a simple one, not half so difficult as the one which I was actually proposing myself, and here comes my first tale of woe : the poor fellow, owing to circumstances which he assured me were entirely beyond his control, could not arrange for a test of his own device.
Talking of tests, the persistency of some of our inventors in the face of unbelievable misfortunes is typical of British bull-dog pertinacity. Take Nixon, now, for example (his name isn't Nixon, but that doesn't signify). I had already been out with him on two occasions and tested his carburetter—on a wagon —up hill and down dale and on the level, too, enough to satisfy, one would think, the most meticulous of inspectors and captious of critics.. But it didn't suffice for him, How did I know he wasn't deceiving me ? (I wouldn't dream of his attempting such a thing.) He must place a car fitted with the vaporizer at my disposal—he had half a dozen. All or any were at my service, an Argyll, a Sheffield-Simplex, Belsize, a Ford—Ah, that's the one, the Ford.
"Let me place the Ford at your disposal, my dear fellow. Take it for as long as you like—a week, a, fortnight ; do as you like with it. I shall not complain.
I was overwhelmed, but managed to stammer acquiescence, and named a date. Alas—misfortune number one it. would be at work on that day—the week following—yes, certainly. Where was the car? At Motorington (80 miles away). He would send it me with pleasure, but, stay—men are so scarce, so many called up, would I fetch it?
" Certainly," "Right you are, old chap, drop me a line to remind me of the date."
So I dropped him a line, and that's that.
134-1 Later, I met him again—dear, dear, he had been so busy executing orders that he hadn't time to answer any letters. Then we fixed another date. Alas and &lack, this time the castings for the Ford fittings were at fault. (I couldn't quite understand this, as the car had been O.K. a few months before, but, of course, he had no reason for deceiving me.) Happy thought, why not have a; run on the works lorry, the very next day, it would be in town? Gladly I agreed—anything to help the poor chap out of his dilemma; he seemed determined to have the test made.
Next day, half an hour before the appointed time, I 'phoned to ask if all was ready, and received an answer in the affirmative. I then—how often have I since regretted it—suggested that he might take advantage of the intervening 30 minutes by emptying out the circulating water, allowing the engine to cool, and filling up with pure cold water. "Delighted," was the reply, as I knew it would be. A quarter of an hour later the telephone tinkled, and all unthinking I lifted off the receiver. "Sorry to have to ask you to postpone your test for a couple of days, Mr. Ext. . . . (you know the rest). "The radiator is leaking." I commiserated with the unfortunate fellow, and, of course, agreed to wait. A friend in the office who had overheard both conversations said that I shouldn't have asked him to put cold water in the radiator. I didn't quite know.what he meant by that, and, anyhow, I don't think be understands these things at all. I haven't heard any more about the test, though, and it is six weeks since the radiator leaked. The astonishing part of the whole thing is, that the same man has had other people subjecting his carburetter to most searching and thorough tests, and nothing untoward has happened, so far as I can gather. Of the inventor's enthusiasm I can only say of it that it . . . "is the leaping of lightning, not to be Measured by the horsepower of the (my) understanding."
The above is only one case. There is the man who, surprisingly keen about my test, has since been so busily engaged on Government work as to be unable to make any arrangements. A third man has been "arranging" for months, and so on. I will barrow your feelings with this. subject no further, dear reader. Your sympathies, like mine, are with the unfortunate carburetter vendor—I mean inventor.
-Thorny as appears to be the path of the two-fuel fittings deviser, that of the " substitute " finder is even more prickly. Here, surely, is one who deserves the goodwill of his fellows, devoting, as he does, his war-time efforts to the succouring of the petrol-less Control-Committee-ridden motorist, with but little hope of gain, or even just reward. Yet see how it befalIeth even such as him.
One bold and blameless ma,n,_ who has spent many months on perfecting a patent compound, by the addition_ of which to certain magic oils, of which the supply is boundless, the available barrels thereof resembling the sands upon the seashore, or the stars in the sky of a summer cloudless night, graciously, and of his own free will, invented an excuse whereby he might secure. for me the pleasure of a joy-ride in a trar propelled by the combustion of this marvelions fuel. On a certain morning, therefore, we hied us to a garage, and, on the way thither, this gentleman explained that the thankless owners of the car, not appreciating his goodness, but taking advantage of his known good nature, were using his spirit neat, instead of diluting it with petrol in due proportions as set forth on a leaflet which he handed me. In consequence, he was afraid that our run might not prove so enjoyable as he had hoped. and there was even, he feared, a possibility of serious difficulty in start. tag. His anticipations were unrealized, however ; when we arrived the engine was running, and we
were informed that no diffieulty had been experienced. Moreover, such was the success of this starting manceuvre that although the engine, we were told, had hardly been running two minutes the radiator was so hot that one could not bear to touch it. The first possible difficulty had thus been overcome. The drive was not less pleasant. No offensive fumes, no visible vapours, no objection by the engine to the unusual fuel. I began to think that a period had been put to misfortune's fiendish artifices. Consequently, when, under promise of secrecy, I had watched the simple process of making the fuel, it was suggested that the barrel of spirit then made should be sealed until the morning, when I could take a sample for trial purposes. I agreed willingly, and without misgiving. Nay, moreover, I suggested that I might take a can of untreated oil so that a realization of the immense advantages of the treatment given might be arrived at, and disclosed to the public through the medium of these pages, to which the maker agreed. Some premonition of coming evil must have assailed him during the night, for he cried off the latter part of the test next day, and I poured into my tank enough of the fuel to make a mixture of three to 9ne, petrol being the smaller quantity. That is the ratio approved of. Events justified his presage of evil. The car, a, trouble-less Talbot, of hill-climbing fame, refused its office,. and three times in the first half mile did we stop to adjust the carburetter. On each occasion on which the engine was acetneiated we filled the street for 109 yards each way with dense white fog, and, oh, the. smell! A further addition of petrol, making the proportions of spirit and substitute equal, was necessary before we could proceed.
I will, in pity, draw a veil over the rest of the proceedings, merely mentioning that the oil provided, as I was informed by telephone, next day, was of the wrong quality, having been supplied in error. An incredible mishap.
This incident is typical. Space does not permit of my revealing others. It goes to show that now, as • ever, in the world of motoring, as in that of jam and cheese-cakes, virtue has to be its own reward.