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By our Northern Correspondent, E Strongitharrn, Oswaldtwistle.
Page 20
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There wasn't a dry eye in the house when Juan Miguel Higginbottom, President of the International Amateur Fretwork Association, announced that the winner of 'Let's Fretwork 2002" (industrial category) was none other than much beloved Spagthorpe employee and union convenor for the Amalgamated Union of Fettlers, Nibbers and Idlers, Arthur "Uncle Joe" Ballpeen.
His entry---a life-size fretwork replica of a Spagthope Di-agoon 6x.4 mixer—was the talk of Oswaldtwistle and was voted most significant waste of time by visitors to the "Dynamic Fretwork" exhibition held at the nearby Oswaldtwistle Cub Scout hut and community centre.
Ballpeen collected his commemorative plaque, half-pound of bulls-eyes and a set of new tungstentipped fretwork blades from local celebrity Councillor Maurico Spigglebottom before adjourning to the nearby Whippet-a-Go-Go nightspot for a celebration hot-pot supper.
However, his victory has been somewhat soured by comments by Spagthorpe Chairman and "El Presidente for life " Sir Jos Spagthorpe who claimed in a press statement that Ballpeen had completed the fretwork masterpiece in company time while skiving off in the SMC parts warehouse.
"No wonder we keep gettin' complaints from dealers that their vehicle offroad emergency orders aren't being filled," thundered the great man. "It's that soddin' Ballpeen buggerin' about wi' bloody fretwork again! What's more from the look of them knot holes and worm tracks I'd say that wood were meant for t' special production run of Spagthorpe Mosquito tippers!"
Meanwhile, fellow employees in the parts depaitment have complained of the constant whine of Ballpeen's Gardner-powered fretwork machine claiming it is a potential source of industrial injury.
FLASH: Local firefighters were called to the Oswaldtwistle Cub Scout hut last night to put out a blazing fretwork replica of a Spagthorpe Dragoon 6x4. Investigators believe the fire may have been started deliberately.