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NEWS from the
Page 26
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NORTH!
By our Northern Correspondent
Eric Strongitharm Oswaldtwistle.
"Left, you damned fool, left!" yelled Spagthorpe Motor Company Chairman and President for Life Sir Jos Spagthorpe to his latest chauffeur, one "Blind" Billy Tintwhistle, on his leisurely Sunday drive over Oswaldtwistle moors, accompanied by local historian Lincoln "Tall Story" Blaxendroop.
After a busy week shredding financial documents, changing specification plans and mithering the local stonemasons to complete the toilet block extensions, Sir Jos likes nothing more than taking in the fresh air out on the moors.
"All the greats in 'istory based success on, right ... no bloody RIGHT I says, being able to find ways to, straighten
'er up boy, NOT TOO STRAIGHT! ... relax. Trouble is until I invented the 'orseless carriage Openface Peoplecarrier vehicle I always had to look over the driver's shoulder to dish out directions. STOP YOU BLOODY FOOL STOP, can't tha see where tha's going?" screamed Sir Jos. "There's a ditch there sonny," he added.
"And over on the left," explained Blaxendroop, "is where a modern-day Hadrian's Wall stood, keeping the unwashed Yorkshire folk out of the Eden-like paradise we know as Oswaldtwistle. Your great-grandfather, the powerful land owner Lord Montague Spagthorpe, charged the Crown ha'penny a yard, and two shillings a brick to build a wall across his land, very reasonable rates by today's standards."
NEWSFLASH: Rescue services were called out in the dead of night after an SOS phone call was received from Sir Jos Spagthorpe; "Quick, 'elp, get the stonemasons out, that bloody fool Tintwhistle has veered off the road and knocked t'wall over. Hang on, just bring out some cement, it'll be quicker to do it mesen!"
Oswaldtwistle Archeological Society has promised a full investigation.