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y our Northern Correspondent

23rd May 2002, Page 26
23rd May 2002
Page 26
Page 26, 23rd May 2002 — y our Northern Correspondent
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Which of the following most accurately describes the problem?

Keywords : Oswaldtwistle, Jos

ric Strongitharm, Oswaldtwistle.

Vie own mobile home, wi luxurious flings." Sixteen years after these inspired yet urred words left the dribbling gape of pagthorpe Chairman and President for ife Sir Jos Spagthorpe after a night downig one or 12 ales at the Southerners' End ublic house, the dream he had ploughed is minor fortune into for so long became a iyous reality His right-hand man, works agineer Henry Sucksqueeze, had been set task by Sir Jos to secretly create in the boat Works a vehicle so spectacular and award-thinking in its design that it would evate him to the lofty heights normally reamed about by people who are described , spectacular and forward-thinking. A

home that had wheels. A homefrom-home in a vehicle-like home. Genius.

And so Sucksqueeze spent every spare second he had to design and create what Sir Jos could buy for a fraction of the cost elsewhere. He held Sir Jos's impatience at bay with flagrant lies and red herrings over the years as each design failed to meet the specifications demanded by the great man. But then, with the opening of a DIY store in Oswaldtwistle (boasting "a dazzlin' range o' nails"), Sucksqueeze had access to materials he thought could be created only by an alchemist (having already tried this route and producing only a variety of base metals).

The machine was now near completion and just needed a name to inspire the masses—or, at the least, the Boss. After several hours of deliberation the manic Uglyboxonwheels oozed into his overheated forebrain. "Sucksqueeze, tha's donc me proud," boomed Sir Jos, walking around the matt finish, mud-brown vehicle (with beige trim) that stood before him. "Take a butchers at those fitted cupboards! You've even put bucket in to remind me of 'ome." With a firm handshake, Sir Jos boarded his engineer's creation and turned the key in the ignition. He had everything he needed

now to go on his holidays: a vehicle, a kettle and a bagfull of clean underwear. He was ready to drive the Uglyboxonwheels anywhere.

FLASH: Special constable Uriah Cobblepot provided assistance to a bemused Sir Jos after overtaking the new vehicle on his bicycle on the main road out of Oswaldtwistic, It seems the sheer weight of furniture on the Uglyboxonwheels' axles had reduced the maximum speed to just over z mph. A Mr Henry Sucksqueeze is wanted for questioning in connection with embezzlement charges.


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