A very nierr:, In Christnlas
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ly FRANK LYON ALICE became more confident when she discovered she could control her changes in size. She was sorry at the shock she had given Bill Rodgers the Lizard when she was as big as a State-owned enterprise; and she was still angry at the refusal of the traffic court Caterpillar, after she had so drastically shrunk, to make her a grant for an increase.
It was disturbing also that she could not remember her lessons properly, especially as nearly all the people she met fired questions at her as though she were sitting for an examination. There were so many courses and teachers, she thought, that they must be running out of pupils.
She had just met Bill the Lizard again. He was sitting outside a building with the brightly lit sign MOTORWAY CAFE. Standing beside him was what could only be the Whitehall Cat, with a rolled brollie in one hand and a tea-cup in the other.
From inside came an almost continuous shouting and the sound of broken crockery.
"It is democracy in action," said Bill the Lizard, anticipating Alice's question.
"It is the provision of every opportunity for full public participation," added the Whitehall Cat.
Politicians and officials, Alice, had learned from her sociology teacher, seldom gave intelligible answers even to unasked questions. So she waited patiently.
-It's the Chocolate Soldier,'" Bill the Lizard went on.
"The man who hates motorways," the Whitehall Cat explained.
"He is shouting at the County Surveyor,said Bill.
Curious to know what the Countess of Ayr had done to deserve such treatment, Alice decided to go inside.
The din became louder. Most of it was coming from the kitchen at one end of the room. At the other sat the Countess with a squalling baby on her lap. It was wearing a large identification tag, on which Alice could see • written only the code number M25. "Have you not decided yet what name to give it?" she asked as politely as she could, although she had to shout to make herself heard.
"I call it one thing; other people call it something very different," said the Countess. "And the moral of that is: 'If you stick to the road, you will never get to the end.'
Not for the first time, Alice had to confess a lack of understanding.
"You will understand still less if you stay here long," said the Countess. "Do something useless for the baby. Recite something to it. Try Little Miss Muffet.'' Although her earlier attempts at nursery rhymes had all seemed wrong Alice obediently made the effort and began to recite as well as she could above the racket.
Little Miss Muffet sat in the buffet; The food and the service were rotten.
There came Egon Ronay, who said: 'If I've known a Worseplace, then I'm glad I've forgotten.'
In the kitchen section, the Chocolate Soldier, and the two frogs assisting him, reduced the' noise they were making by a few decibels.
"Well take good care he hasn't forgotten," he bellowed.
"Egon, but not forgotten," croaked one of the frogs, putting a plate of listless chips under the cold tap.
'Be careful,'" said Alice. "You are doing your best to spoil that food."
The Chocolate Soldier looked crestfallen. "We are doing our best," he replied. "But, however hard we try, it is never bad enough."
"So you do it on purpose," said Alice.
"You don't think," said the Chocolate Soldier, -motorway food could be as bad as it is just by accident."
Alice dodged a flying plate and hoped for a further explanation.
"It is our latest strategy," the Chocolate Soldier resumed. 'If we can drive the customers away, they will stop using the motorway. Then we can get it closed down."
"The trouble is,said one of the frogs, "the worse the food, the more people seem to like it."
"So to cheer ourselves up," said the other frog, "we are having a motorway uninquiry."
"I have never heard of such a a thing," said Alice.
"That's because it is not intended to be heard," said the first frog.
"You must have heard of a motorway inquiry,said the Chocolate Soldier.
"Yes," Alice replied. "It is usually called in order to settle a dispute."
"And a motorway uninquiry is called to unsettle a dispute,'" said the Chocolate Soldier. "We just keep protesting as loudly as we can, until everybody gets tired and goes home.
At which the two assistants croaked out a song at the top of their voices.
We are the uninquirables. Inspectors never stand a chance; We treat them just like immigrants Or other undesirables.
They picked up everything in
the kitchen and flung it at head of the Countess. She motionless, but the bz howled so loudly that Alice l-, ried back to see if she co help.
"I do hope the little dear iE hurt," she began, and broke in astonishment. "Whatei has happened?" she exclaim, ''It seems to be getting sm ler.'
"That's because it's getti older," said the Countess. "A the moral of that is: 'The mc there is of Tyme, the less therE of road.' "
-But where I come frorr said Alice, "children grow up they get older."
"Much the same with u.5. said the Countess, "except in our case they grow down like nasturtiums. Here, you hc the thing."
She thrust her burden ir Alice's arms. As the two fro seemed to be preparing for bigger onslaught than evE Alice decided that it would safer to take the baby into tl open air.
Bill the Lizard had gone. Ali became aware of a creature one of the trees, and decidi hat it must be the Whitehall :at, although all that she could ee distinctly was the umbrella, he teacup, and hint of fur from he neck to the tip of the tail.
"This must be the faceless :ivil servant that I read about in he paper the other day," hought Alice, rather proud that the had at least remembered :his correctly. "What a pity it as no face. There is nothing to :alk to."
Obligingly, the Whitehall Cat's face materialised, or at least its mouth and ears.
"You didn't do very well with Little Miss Muffet," it said. "Fancy making her rhyme with "buffet. You should know the word is pronounced bouffe."
"Perhaps the girl prefers to call herself Mlle Mouffe," said Alice.
The Whitehall Cat ignored this. -Let's see what you can do with "How doth the little,' " it ordered.
Once again Alice found herself taking up her reciting pose.
How can the little bureaucrat (she began) Control our days and weeks, When everyone knows what he's at Because of Whitehall leaks?
She got no further. Even though only the lips and ears were visible, she could see that the Whitehall Cat was offended. A few seconds later, it had disappeared.
The baby was still getting smaller, while the M25 label was getting bigger, until in the end Alice found she was holding the label without the baby.
She became aware of two little men watching her. They were standing side by side and looked very much alike. Each had the letters TWEEDLE across its chest, but when she walked behind them to read the rest of the names she was surprised to find RHA and FTA instead of what she expected.
She would have liked the advice of the Whitehall Cat on the correct pronunciation. While she was still puzzling over it, the two little men had turned round to face her again. Each of them thrust forward a membership form.
"You are carrying something,said the one called RHA. "So you should join us."
"Contrawise" said the other. "It is your own traffic. So. sign here."
"But I don't intend to go on carrying it," Alice objected. "I'm not even sure what it is. I started out with a baby.'" "And it has turned into a road," said RNA_ "Our drivers are doing it all the time "Less and less," objected FTA. "It used to be easy. Now, whenever you try to turn into a road, ten to one there's a notice saying 'No goods vehicles." I can sell you an explanatory pamphlet on the subject, if you like.
'No thank you,'" Alice replied in her best party manner.
"But now that the baby has become a-road, perhaps you can tell me what I should do with it," "That depends," said FTA, "on what you have done with the other sections.'" "I didn't see any others," Alice explained. "I think the Chocolate Soldier had disposed of them. And the Countess said" "What the Countess said is not evidence, nohow," interrupted RHA.
"Contrariwise," said FTA, "the Countess should listen to us.,'
"It is very hard to listen to anybody in there," said Alice diffidently.
"Nohow," said RHA -I put my views in writing — at length,
naturally."
"Contrariwise, I make a comprehensive survey," said FTA. "In depth, of course."
-So deep that nobody can understand it,said RHA,
"And yours is so long that nobody finishes it," retorted FTA.
"You should not be so rude to each other," Alice rebuked them.
"It is good practice for our public statements," said RHA.
"I make it a rule to say three rude things about the Government every day," said FTA.
"And I say the same things but less rudely," said RHA.
"I can make 16 separate points, each with three subheadings, on any subject,'" boasted FTA.
Alice noticed that RHA was staring at a document sticking out of his companion's pocket.
"What have you gOt there?" he cried, "'You have stolen my grandfather rights."
"They are as much mine as yours,FTA retorted. -He was my grandfather too."
"I suppose we shall have to quarrel about it in public,said RHA reluctantly.
From behind one of the bushes, they pulled out a pile of acts and orders, memoranda and other papers of all kinds, which they proceeded to stuff into their clothing. Protected in this way, they approached each other cautiously.
"Tweedledum and Tweedledee agreed to have a battle," Alice recited to herself this time, and pleased that for once she had got it right. Before the battle could begin, she became aware of the approach of what — remembering the nursery rhyme — she assumed to be an outsize crow, although it looked oddly like Tony Benn, all claws and left wing, breathing fire and nationalisation.
"What a good thing you have got yourselves ready for a fight," Alice encouraged the two warriors from behind a tree.
"Nohow, unless the CBI comes to the rescue," said FTA.
"Contrariwise," said RHA "If we are to fight, we must first have a fighting fund."
They beat a hasty retreat into the wood. Alice made off with equal speed in the opposite direction.
After a while, she came to a stretch of lawn with a large table laid for tea. The Mad Hatter and the March Hare were sitting at one end.
"No unauthorised passengers to be carried," they shouted, but nevertheless cleared a place for her. There was a long silence, broken abruptly by the Mad Hatter.
-Did you see my lorry at the roadside?" he asked.
"There was none along the road," said Alice. "I hope somebody has not stolen it."
"He doesn't have a lorry," said the March Hare. "So how could it be stolen?"
"But he said he had one," Alice objected.
"No I did not," said the Mad Hatter angrily. "I only asked if you had seen it."
"I thought perhaps you were a lorry driver," said Alice, trying to keep her temper.
"So I am, so I am," said the Mad Hatter. "I am having my daily rest, my weekly rest and my break after continuous driving."
"You surely do not take them all at the same time," said Alice.
"There is no time like the present," the March Hare explained. "So you see we are stuck in it.'" "It all began at the lorrydriver-of-the-year competition," said the Mad Hatter gloomily. "When they were asking questions about hours of rest. You know what the rule is."
"Of course," said Alice, always proud to show off what she had learnt on her course for the Certificate of Professional Competence. "It goes: 'At any time he is at work, the driver must have had 11 hours' rest during the preceding 24 hours.' "
-That's what I told them," said the Mad Hatter. "If I am to have something at any time I am at work, I said, then I am having it now."
"Then came the question about the break," said the March Hare. "Recite that one for us."
" 'The half-hour break'," Alice began obediently, " 'can be replaced by two 20-minute, or three 15-minute, breaks spread out over and immediately following the maximum duty of continuous period"."
"If I spread out this butter over this slice of bread," said the Mad Hatter, "what have I DONE?"
"You have covered it," said Alice.
"So if he covers his driving period with breaks," said the March Hare, "what happens to the driving?"
"I was disqualified for obstruction, said the Mad Hatter sadly.
-And ever since,the March Hare continued, "we have been stuck in one rest period or another, and can't get out.
-But we shall have to go to the trial," said the Mad Hatter. -Hurry up, or you'll be late."
Accustomed now to obeying orders, Alice got to her feet and accompanied them in the direction of a confused sound of voices, It did not take long to reach the court room and find a seat. In charge of the proceedings was the White Rabbit in a kilt, looking very much like the Editor of CM.
The Knave of Arts, in his RSA blazer, was handing round what Alice took to be copies of the indictment. Before she had a chance to read it, the White Rabbit called "Order in court.
Everyone fell silent at once, except one of the jurymen, Bill the Lizard, who was muttering: -What business has he to be here? We shall have him in the Cabinet next."
, The railway King was in the judge's seat. Alice knew he was the railway King because he had a station-roaster's hat under his wig, and kept referring to a combined timetable and ready reckoner. The railway Queen was sitting beside him, wearing a sash inscribed TRANSPORT 2000.
The Whitehall Cat was in the dock, still carrying his cup of tea and umbrella.
"Consider your verdict before the fares go up," cried the King.
-Not yet, not yet," the White Rabbit objected. "We haven't heard the charge."
"I can tell you that," said the King. "An extra 10 per cent from all commuters."
"The charge is treason," said the White Rabbit, as though the King had not spoken, "or at the very least giving aid and comfort to the enemy."
"Off with his head," screamed the Queen.
-He doesn't seem to have
one, my love," said the King.
Indeed, the prisoner had again become the faceless civil servant, and looked likely to vanish completely at any time.
-We must have somebody's head," the Queen threatened.
The jury, fast asleep up to this point, at once woke up, looking worried. Alice glanced at the paper which the Knave of Arts had given her. Any expectation that it would help her to understand the case was disappointed. It contained a long list of questions, with the injunction: "Answer the first three and guess the rest."
Question 1. How long is a driver's tea break?
(a) As long as a snooker break; (b) 18m; (c) 3.5 hours; (d) One rod, pole or perch; (e) From here to eternity.
Question 2. Which of the following is entitled to stop your lorry?
(a) Your mother-in-law (b) A criminal in policeman's uniform, (c) A vehicle examiner in drag; (d) An escaped convict in a hurry; (e) A girl hitch-hiker in hot pants.
Question 3. Which of the above would you prefer to stop your lorry?
Bill the Lizard was writing busily on his portfolio. Hoping he might provide some enlightenment, Alice craned her neck to look over his shoulder.
"Memo: I believe in state ownership" was his first entry, followed by -Memo 2: I am in favour of a mixed economy." He repeated the same items all the way down the page, sometimes changing the order of the words, but never, it seemed to Alice, to his satisfaction.
"A document has been passed to me," said the White
Rabbit, handing Alice a departmental memorandum headed "Highly secret and confidential,"which you had better read to the court."
Alice could not understand why she had been chosen, especially in view of her difficulties with recitations. However, she could see no alternative but to make the effort.
There is a need to educate The public — him, her, you — To think in terms of 38 Instead of 32.
We feel it would not be a crime For someone to inquire Why 40 should not come in time — Or even something higher. The lorrymen could all unite In a combined campaign To make their tarnished image bright And be loved once again.
"That is sheer pornography," said the King, looking disapprovingly at Alice.
"Positively obscene," the Queen added, with a glance towards the executioner.
In the hush that followed, the White Rabbit produced the first witness. It was the Prices Quango. Alice, who had not met one before, was interested to see that it had very long ears, a very long reach, sharp teeth, and a pouch in front large enough to hold the inevitable progeny of Little Quangos.
On this occasion, it was in handcuffs between two guards.
"Why is he in custody?" asked the King.
"He wanted to ask questions about Your Majesty's fares," the White Rabbit replied. "But he can't do that, y know," said the King uneasil) "And he knows it now, Sire said the White Rabbit.
"Let's see if he can do bett this time,'" said the King. "Wlhave you to say for yourself?"
"'Only that hauliers shou keep their rates down," said II witness.
"But the tax rate, of cours should go up," said the Quee There was some applause this, and a banner was drapt along the front of the jury bo reading MORE TAX MEAN LOWER PRICE OK.
The next witness was Scarecrow, introduced by tf White Rabbit as a friend of tf earth.
"And especially a friend the roads,the Scarecrow col firmed. "'They should 13 allowed to wear out in peace an they should certainly be close to heavy lorries. Think [Ice much worse they would be they were actually used."
The jury immediately hun out another sign with the word SAVE THE ROADS FROM TH TRAFFIC.
"As long as we still have th taxes," warned the Queen; a which a member of the jur hurriedly altered the message t read TAX THE TRAFFIC OF THE ROADS.
It was then Alice noticed tha she was getting bigger again a a rapid rate. At the same time the White Rabbit, with a learnec reference to a writ of habea corpus, drew attention to th, fact that the prisoner had corn pletely vanished.
-We can't continue withou. him," said the King. "Considei your verdict."
"Sentence first, verdict afterwards," shouted the Queen.
'That's nonsense,'" said Alice boldly.
"Nobody asked your opinion,the Queen snapped. -We know the sentence — double all the taxes. The verdict can wait until we get the statistics right."
The King had been watching Alice with growing uneasiness. "You have no right to go on increasing your capacity in that ridiculous way," .he said. "Unless you stop, I must order you from the court."
"The trial is finished anyway," said Alice, ''but perhaps it is time I left before I fill up all the space.
-Or to put it another way," said the White Rabbit, "it is time you stopped dreaming, and there is only enough space left for me to wish our readers A Merry Christmas."'